sure enough…

Oof.

Metric’s people said i could do an email interview with Emily. Cool, right? I had initially wanted a face-to-face interview, more like a discussion than a pop-quiz. I didn’t want to shoot out questions that could be answered in one shot and then moved on. In all the interviews i saw, she’s not a one-line answer type of person, so that was promising!

So, i thought, let me put a good list of email questions together, and see what she says! One of the questions is something i wanted to ask in person, about something she mentioned in a documentary on ilovemetric.com. She said: “i’d given up on writing, which i didn’t tell anybody that i work with”. She went to Buenos Aires when she was questioning her future as a songwriter, and i wondered if her relationship with self-doubt was any different now that she’s enjoying this well-deserved success.

What’s weird is that she not only missed the point of the question, but denied ever having considered “backing out” of writing. Are “giving up” and “backing out” different? Weird.

The whole thing seemed like a dud of an interview, but i’m glad i had the opportunity.

Me: If you could go back in time, what’s something you would tell yourself as Metric was just getting started?

Emily: Don’t listen to anybody who tries to tell you what to do as an artist.

Me: If you weren’t a musician in this lifetime, what would you be doing?

Emily: Growing sweet potatoes and milking cows

Me: Since your consideration of backing out of song-writing, how has your relationship with your own self-doubt changed?

Emily: I never considered “backing out”. I was writing a lot, i just didn’t like any of it! I realized that for me writing can never become a chore. I would quit before I would let that happen. I want to actually experience moments of such emotion and complexity in my life that I feel compelled to convey them in a song, not just spend my life sitting around trying to think of something to say.

Me: What do you want your audience to take from the live shows that they couldn’t get from the albums?

Emily: Live music is not television. Anything can happen. The future is unwritten.

Me: What direction do you want to go once you’re ready for the next musical step?

Emily: No idea!

Me: What are some of your “dream collaborations”?

Emily: A lot of my heros are dead. Of the living, I think a cameo on “Flight of the Conchords” would be a good start.

Me: What do you think about right before you go on-stage? What do you like to do as soon as you’re off-stage after a set?

Emily: My mind is completely clear before and after a show, it is the best part of the day.

Me: I was really drawn to the idea of the “campfire test”… Could there be an acoustic Metric CD in the future?

Emily: Yeah, we’ve been talking about that! Until then, you can download a free MP3 of “Help, I’m Alive” acoustic at ilovemetric.com

so get this: in an effort to be a little gay-friendlier than my last post, i decided to watch “Milk” for the first time.

I ejected it after about 30 minutes.

i appreciate the effort. i do, i really do. it’s probably the best we’re gonna get for maybe 6 years or so, after more big waves of political and social change. but the writing was shit. i wanted to punch Emile Hirsch’s character in the face as soon as he over-acted his fancy swagger (and i normally come in peace!). James Franco was adorable, with as much substance as a golden retriever. Sean Penn did the best he could, which, considering the writing, is pretty good. But as a whole, it almost felt like propaganda. Propaganda for ideas of which i support, but propaganda nonetheless.

Funny, i was rooting on principle for Milk every time it was up for an Academy Award, but now that i’ve seen it, i take my rooting back. I wouldn’t root for Slumdog Millionaire (the first 10 minutes seduce you in, and then they hope you don’t notice the inconsistencies stylistically and in the screenplay.), and i doubt i would have had patience for Benjamin Button unless it was mind-blowingly good (as reviews refute). That leaves The Reader, and Frost/Nixon, and i’m going on a wild guess here that i’d prefer Frost/Nixon simply because its historical political setting is more relevant to me and my life now than a love and justice story traced around a Nazi war crime trial is.

Oof. Time to watch the playoffs.

today is Hartford Pride.

when i was 16 and had just come out, Pride was so exciting, i could barely sleep the night before. I could hang out with my gay friends, do gay shopping (one more rainbow sticker won’t hurt!), and meet other gay people.

Now, i’m 28, and it totally turns me off.

Here’s the core of it: You are not your sexuality.

When you’re 16 and you’ve been concealing your sexual tendencies since kindergarten, and suddenly you’re out, hell YES, it’s ALL you are!!! That just makes psychological sense.

But now, at this age, it’s a much smaller part of who i am (especially considering my chronic singleness). And this leads me to my next thought…

I am incredibly irritated (but nice to) people who “act gay”. Butch lesbians. Effeminate men. I’m not talking the ones who just veer to the side, so to speak, but the outwardly homosexual types of people who just wear it on their sleeve (and ears and necks and t-shirts and car bumpers…). This is because they’re putting their sexuality on center stage, with all the solos, over-mic’d, making their sexuality the biggest thing about them.

That just seems creepy. If some straight guy was macho-ing it up around me, i’d bite my fist, too. If some straight lady was damseling all over the place, i’d bang my head against the wall. sexual orientation should be a part of you – not all of you – no matter what your orientation.

I suppose the innocent thing to say in defense of Pride is that it’s ONE day a year for people of a sexual minority to get together, and celebrate that which makes us different. sure, that’s lovely. That’s why i went. I parked, walked around, walked through, and was back in my car driving home within 20 minutes. I couldn’t stomach it. i felt disgusted. at my own people! how about that?

I thought, if i had a kid with me, i wouldn’t want to take them to Pride. I wouldn’t want them to think that’s all gay people are about. Our ONE public outing is a day of obnoxious music with booths as far as the eye can see, selling rainbow everything?

I wish it were a day of community service. There were a few booths with great AIDS education, community outreach organizations, heath care… Instead of a hedonistic meat market, i’d rather have us sponsor a day of community involvement, volunteerism, outreach. Whatever that means. My imaginary kid would have a better understanding that socially responsible people can be gay, straight, male, female, and anything (everything) in between. Not just lesbians wearing wife-beaters glaring at each other all day (that’s pretty much all i saw – no one was smiling! the hell?).

And i wanted to live in San Francisco?!?! Ugh. i take it BACK! (sorry, Lindsay, i don’t think you’re as irritable about this as i am! Good thing…)

That’s it. I’m gonna go cool down.

update: fuck it, i replaced the ring. having it makes me happy, and that’s all i really need to know.

(and Metric came out with a video for “Sick Muse”!!! hooraaaay! intentionally low-budget, and Emily looks, as ever, lovely. Hope they come out with one for “Satellite Mind”…)

i woke up this morning, missing the ball from my lip ring. Later in the day, i lost the lip ring! i get home, and find the ball. Such is life.

i called Greenman to see what time they were open until, so i could buy a new ring. They said the piercer guy left for the day, and locked up the case.

hm.

i’d always wanted my lip pierced. I think they’re incredibly sexy on absolutely everyone who has them. especially when pierced on the side. i can’t explain it, but i love it.

i thought, though… what if i don’t replace it? what if i retire the ring?

i got it pierced in May of 2004, urgently, expecting to surprise Ash with it when she was going to come back for the summer. i accidentally sent a text message to her that i meant to send to someone else, saying how i wanted to surprise her with it. Oops. She never ended up coming back for the summer, or seeing me or the piercing for three years.

Only part of the piercing contained elements of Ash. Anna-Marie did the piercing, and only charged me for the ring! Three months later, she was brought back from the dead after a bad car accident. She is still recovering exceptionally well from brain damage. Sometimes she still thinks she works at Greenman, and calls out apologetically. She remembers that she pierced my lip, and i still thank her for charging me so little.

I think, though, it could be a metaphor. When i was dating Lauren, she took her lip ring out, because she wanted to kiss me without the barrier of even the thinnest gauge ring between us. I appreciated the sentiment, but there was no way in hell i was taking this thing out. I think now, being single for five years (i ultimately don’t consider Lauren as a relationship – we met four times, and my epic attempts to feel all her love back were beyond futile), maybe i should change a few things… maybe it’s a barrier.

we’ll see which side of the fence i fall on…

everyone keeps saying “Happy Memorial Day!”

Isn’t that dumb? I mean, i’m not gonna sulk around all day, but if i’ve got the concept of this day correct, it’s not exactly a get-up-and-dance kinda day… right? Ah well. any excuse for a bbq.

i had lunch with a friend of mine, J, and among other terrible things happening in her life (dad’s heart attack, gramma died, car won’t work, terrible 3-month long illness…), she told me about her relationship problems:

she’s been with her girlfriend, F, for five years.
J and F wanted to lose their virginity (in the heterosexual sense)
they picked a friend, G, to do the deed with them
the deed became regular
J and G start to fall in love
oops.
J is still in love with F.

now, J is in the terrible predicament of being in love with two people, when she’d planned on being in love with only one.
i suggested maybe they could all be together?
not so much.
F now despises G.
(i feel especially sorry for F, since the guy she lost her virginity to is now threatening her relationship with her girlfriend of five years)

listening to poor J, i remember that there is often times a price to pay with loving someone romantically. not that there’s always drama, not that there’s always angst, but being single for so long, it’s good to know that there is no perfect, guaranteed situation. we’re human. sometimes complications grow exponentially, when there’s emotions involved.

does J leave a five year relationship for this possibility?
does she stay with F and always wonder about what would have happened with G?
what can she do but keep them waiting, when there is no clear answer in her heart?

NOT fun. but obviously worth it.

ooof.

i have SUCH a big fat seed of a crush on this straight woman whose wedding i’m photographing in Kansas this November.

Thing is, because i’ve go this big fat seed of a crush on her, she’ll get absolutely stunning photographs. it’s only natural. chemistry, really.

in my rare and fleeting times of crush over my life from aged 5 until now, i’ve picked up a few handy self-made tips on coping with said crushes. First – establish realistic possibility of ever possibly getting anywhere. be honest. this first part is critical. Second – does the super-awesome personality she has in your imagination match what she’s like in life outside of your head? continue trend of honesty. Third – enjoy adoring! it feels great for those dusty parts of your brain to light up, to surrender to the excitement of seeing them around.

this one time, i was on a break from voice work in the studio, and she came in and sat down next to me. after talking for a minute, i realized that because she was sitting and talking with me, my whole body was heating up! i took off the arm warmers i was wearing, and my light vest, and told her “aye, you walk in the room and you’ve got me all hot and bothered!” I said it like a joke, but i totally meant it. she leaned into me and laughed, and i made sure to look away more than i wanted to.

I am lucky to be attracted to one person a year. it’s like that. i wish so badly that it were different. Similarly, i wish i liked seafood and cottage cheese and pickles, most fruits, and dark chocolate (since my beloved white chocolate is somehow fewer and far between in availability!). At the same time, i recognize that you must always be careful what you wish for… If i were attracted to more people, i might have a lot more trouble on my hands. Let my grass be greener for once.

So it’s a seed that i don’t water. I just play it cool and not look at her more than anyone else would, but i DO see her in the reflection of the recording studio glass when she walks by. she has a distinctive silhouette, a distinctive profile, so it’s like her ghost just breezing by. i remind myself that I’ve learned to just let the ghosts pass through.

just got back from Dad & Carol’s… we had a great time, and towards the end of the night, religion came up. i said that even though fundamentalists are CRAZY, i at least respect their consistency. these days, most “religious” people pick and choose what they want from the bible, and that’s a turn-off to me. anyway, i said that i don’t think you need to believe in god to know right from wrong and have purpose in life. Papa said that he loves me anyway.

papa’s a great, old man, and there’s no reason for me to argue with him. i just felt like… you love me ANYway? despite something? it rubbed me the wrong way a little bit. not enough to say anything, but i didn’t say “i love you too, despite your irrational belief in an imaginary friend who keeps tally of everything you do”.

eh. home with Mo. onwards.

last night, i had dinner with mom & guy, and ended up pleasantly surprised to be having a conversation with them about moving. that they brought up! who knows how concrete their plans are, but they’re thinking of moving – austin? northern california? certainly not Florida: god’s waiting room, as they like to call it. i could sense a little bit of apprehension at bringing it up – it’s the same apprehension i feel when i talk to them about me moving someday. can they live without me? will they feel like i’m abandoning them? as the only of their four children (and only girl) to stay close (the next town over), i’ve harbored a bit of “what about me?” feelings since the last one took off.

at the same time, we all know that our time together is so precious. and i needed it. there was a time where if i pictured living far away from them (which included my year in DC), i felt like an orphan. soulfully useless without their presence and guidance and reassurance. and sad. reflecting now, i feel like it would be dishonorable to NOT be viable on my own. they raised me better than to have me depend on them. I don’t anymore, but i do cherish them down to the deepest level, and thoroughly recognize that my time with them is the definition of precious.

i took this opportunity in conversation to tell them that i wouldn’t want them to stay around just for me, as much as they wouldn’t want me to stay just for them – mom swiftly nodded, “of course, of COURSE”. that was the secret consent that i’d been hoping to hear for YEARS, by the way…

after talking about places they had in mind, i told them that my best friend Jonatha is moving to Portland, Oregon in a little over a year, pending the sale of her and her boyfriend’s house. It’s been on my mind, Portland, and i’m still doing my research. if i go to Portland and mom & guy go to Northern California, that’d be so nice! We’ll be closer to Michael and Chris will be a MUCH shorter plane ride away… Paul will be furthest from all of us, but we can make things work.

it’s all in our heads now, but i’m looking around at the things i’d give away from my apartment. wondering how momo will cope with the long drive, how i’ll have to find a new vet. relieved to still travel through life with Jonatha, a woman i consider my only sister, blood-related or not. i think about if i would or could or would want to transfer with my job. how i would have to rebuild my photography business from scratch – how i know that if i could do it here, i could do it there. excited. still considering other places. we’ll see.

that’s the update. off to watch the Redwings game with Phil, jonatha’s boyfriend, then save the day at work for three hours to help a co-worker off the scheduled hook… then dinner with my dad, his wife Carol, and the most lovable patriarch i’ve ever known, Papa. Dad’s grilling Omaha Steaks, and i’ll be soaking it all up for as long as i’m so close.