sure enough…

when i was a kid, i remember my dad coming home from work, grabbing a chilled glass from the freezer, filling it with beer, and relaxing in front of the tv, doing bills.  he used to let me keep the cancelled checks… i felt rich as a result, but i do not remember ever looking at the amount of the checks…

when i was living in DC, i made a habit of coming home from a long day at busy work, my adult-ish life of taking the Metro, waiting in traffic, after doing a sales presentation at the Embassy of Finland… i felt, again, adult.  I wanted to.  So having that beer in a chilled glass from the freezer really made it set in.

eventually i realized that having a beer after work five-days-a-week would probably lead to less-than-desirable things… my grandfather was supposedly an alcoholic, and my dad drank, but never (to my little child eyes) to desperate excess… anyway, i stopped making a habit out of having a chilled glass of beer every night after work.

today was pretty tough, but nothing i couldn’t handle.  i’m sitting here with a chilled glass of beer (ay! every once in a while is just fine, i think), the red sox are FUCKING FINALLY up on the board against the Angels…

so my day is like this:

-slept till 11-something
-went to D’Angelo’s before work to redeem my FREE SMALL SUB! win off a Big Papi scratch-off card i got when i went last…
-Finished my steak & cheese with extra onions on my way into work
-found out that a 2-line business account i’d been trying to open for a local non-profit has been approved with no deposit.  whee!  called the non-prof to let them know, left a message…
-had TWO people bring back a letter i’d created for all of us reps… basically, some people are approved (credit-wise) for 10 phones.  some for 5. some, 3, 2, and some only one line.  Well, the company is taking a chance on the one-r’s, and are allowing them to do two.  So!  I thought it’d be really cool to come up with a letter to send my current customer base to let them know they could have another line!  I forwarded it to my team, and we’ve been sending out letters for the last few days.  i got two back already from it!  very exciting.
-along those lines, i also came up with a letter to send to those of my customers who’ve been cancelled due to not paying their bill.  It tells them that there’s payment options, and when they pay it off, bring this letter in, and i’ll credit their account $25 as a welcome-back present!  i’ve got a few back already and that kicks ass.
-i don’t want to do sales anymore.  i want to do stuff like this.  my sign language manual is already available on our national training website (sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet!), i don’t see why they shouldn’t hire me to come up with nifty ideas all the time to make their business run better.  what would that position be CALLED?
-i was so busy today that i didn’t get to eat until a little after 8, and i’m trying not to eat after 8.  granted it was two slices of white bread and two slices of american cheese, so it won’t amount to much, but damn.  i’m trying to lose a few, dammit.  and the beer doesn’t count ’cause i’m not eating it.

Lauren’s having Big Big Problems with her roommate… They’ve been mounting over the last few months, and getting worse, and it seems to be at a breaking point, where they can’t even communicate.  which sucks, because Lauren’s outta there in a few months, and if she COULD tolerate it, she would.  But her roommate’s attitude along with not coming up with rent is just a deadly combination.  The silver lining is that after all this, she’s never gonna have to deal with anything like this again.  Period.  ’cause i can pay my rent and i really like resolving problems and being understanding and sharing feelings.  so.

i think if people stopped getting defensive, in ANY conflict, things would be better off.  i think about the great conversations i’ve had, and the miserable ones, and the ONE thing that’s fundamentally different is the getting defensive.  and listening.  that’s pretty damn critial.

my thought usually is, don’t people WANT to resolve things?  when you get defensive, it practically buries the point of the conversation to begin with.  i figure, if you’re already engaged in a possibly uncomfortable conversation, just put how you feel out there and work from there.

there was one person i used to have heart-to-hearts with on a regular basis.  she rarely got defensive, and she DID listen, she just refused to believe me.

which, i suppose is okay.  frustrating as all get-out, because here i am, trying to answer her questions and put myself on the table, and she just doesn’t want to believe me.  i say it’s okay, because that relationship is over.  and that is OKAY with me.  when people don’t want to believe you, it’s best to just scoot your little butt over and move on.  they’re never gonna want to believe you if they don’t already.

well.  we’re only at the bottom of the 2nd inning, and i’ve got one more cold beer in the fridge.  my beautiful woman will be here in NINE DAYS (8 days after midnight!), and beyond all this rambling, she’s really behind all my thoughts, wearing a big smile.  and not much else.  yee!

slante!

, originally uploaded by chion.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf/sets/72157594246424421/show

my oh my.

funny, nothing’s different, but i feel like i’m on the verge of something.  i’ve written about how i feel recently, and it’s still the same about-to feeling.  Jonatha talks about Saturn and moons and risings and things like that, and she says she thinks i’m about to be in some sort of three-year-long changing phase.  awesome!  i’m looking forward to it.

and even though i’d convinced myself that i will always do well enough completely on my own, i KNOW that Lauren supports everything i do and everything i want to do- i’m not used to that support in someone i’m WITH.  With her, it’s not in-theory, it’s really real.  She supports and encourages me and what i want to do.  and that really does make a difference.  i can feel it.  and she’s not even here.  how cool.

so she’ll be here in a little over 13 days (yee!), and i.  can’t.  WAIT.  no real plans are made, just to be together… i was thinking that it’d be nice to walk to a restaurant down the road some night, drink wine, eat food, dance home.  i’d like to take a lot of walks with her.  and when we get a house, we’ll have DOGS on the ends of leashes to walk with!  big, big dogs…

so.  just wanted to drop a note.  i am happy.  the red sox are playing a FIVE GAME series, and the second (tied-up) game is on right now.  I’ve got a glass of Killion’s Irish Red, with a few more in the fridge… Momo’s sprawled out, enjoying the light breeze from outside, and i’m ready for anything and nothing and whatever comes between. 
Slante.

Liquor Store parking lot at sunset., originally uploaded by chion.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf/sets/72157594237481352/show

, originally uploaded by chion.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf/sets/72157594232518077/show

where Paul & I had lunch! wheee!, originally uploaded by chion.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf/sets/72157594225738630/show

go, chris, go!, originally uploaded by chion.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf/sets/72157594222875498/show

OH!

and thank-you to all who so kindly voted for me and my friends for the Hartford Advocate Band Slam this year… i did indeed get in!  However, for reasons completely beyond me, they didn’t tell me until about a week before the show was to go on.  Due to the late notice, i couldn’t make it.

but!

i did get my name in the paper with “Tent” (tentative) next to it.  which i was!  how accurate!  So, thank you, again, for all of your support.

more and more lately, i’ve been asked if i’m playing out anywhere, or if there are any new songs… i have to say, no and no.  There are a lot of reasons.  Gigging stopped being fun.  no new songs were coming (i usually write when i don’t understand how i feel – writing helps me figure it out.  lately, i know how i feel!), and singing those dirges and swan songs were beginning to drain me.

some of those songs are 7 years old.  and when i sing ‘em, i don’t lie.  i go right back to where i was when i wrote it, i think about the person/people involved, i put myself right back in that younger body, and re-live it.  that’s a daunting task when my life is so, so different, and i’ve added very little to my repetoir.

i imagine singing “sometimes” (the a capella tune i wrote before launching into “Ain’t No Sunshine”), and it’s just not true anymore. i don’t miss that person anymore.  i don’t feel their hands, or think even for a second about how we went together.  my choice, if i were to sing it, is to either sound like i mean it and not (which is like an actor insisting that it’s just a part, and that he is NOT connecting to the soul of that character), or put myself back in that time and feel it again.

well damn, i felt a lot of those songs for a really long time and frankly, i’ve changed a lot.  life has changed a lot.  people have gone on their way, served their supposed purpose, as have i with their lives, and really, reliving it on a regular basis on a stage with the same general set list at my feet is not how i want this to go.

feh.

so.  i’m happy to sing a request at a cookout, warning the present ears that this is NOT deemed party music… i’d play my funny songs, but no one “got” my funny songs, so they stayed on my hard drive.  “I drink ny-quil in the morning, day-quil in the eve-nin’…” come ON people!  over-the-counter-drug-induced-dependence is FUNNY!!!  my memo did NOT get passed around.  that’s okay.

point is, if new songs come, they’ll come on their own.  and maybe i won’t even need to not-understand how i feel to write ‘em.  but for now, i really prefer reading lots and lots (and LOTS) of books, and finding other ways to excite my brain and my finger tips.

on a very exciting side-note: i’ve begun playing with three former members of Brokaw!  Jeff Woods (guitar), Jeff Chen (cello) and Matt (drums).  It’s dark and complicated and so so thickly sweet.  we shall see what we come up with.  playing with a band makes my whole body smile, by the way.  these guys are fucking phoenominal, and it brings out the best in me, musically.  how cool.

always more to come.  thank-you again to everyone out there for showing all that love. 

i need a hobby.  i realized this last night before i went to bed.

that aside, just got back from an exciting OB/GYN appointment with my doctor, Odie!!  I always love seeing him.  he’s all smiles, just a GREAT guy.  He also extremely successfully operated on my endometriosis-ridden uterus a year ago, which resulted in my cramps practically disappearing.  amazing.  i am more grateful for this than i can express.  simply.

so a lot of changes have been going on in my head lately- i am now beginning to understand the feeling of an early-life-crisis… i’m sick of my job, but feel trapped because 1. i’m really good at it, 2. it pays awesome, 3. i have full health benefits.  my Ideal Job hasn’t quite occured to me yet, and i REALLY am getting anxious to get occured-to.

Also, Lauren will be moving here in January, and i’m refining my patience levels on that… i just want it to happen NOW, and there’s nothing i can do about it.  AND we want to buy a house instead of finding another apartment.  i’m tired of apartments.  it was glamorous and fun and exciting when i was 18-23, but now, i want a yard.  i want to paint walls.  i want to garden and mow the lawn.  i want a mailbox and a fucked up screen door i have to fix.  so – a house is quite a big deal, depending on where you’re coming from, but it feels like a natural next step.  And to share a house with Lauren – wow.  it’s overwhelming in a really great way.

my teeth need to be worked on – i’d avoided the dentist since 1998, and now i’ve got some work to do (under my gums!  agh!).  AND i need my wisdom teeth out.  yeesh.  i’m more concerned about the cost of all this beyond the physical discomfort.  i also have my first physical since (probably) 1998 at the end of the month, and i hope i’m healthy.

and i want to quit smoking (again).

a lot of changes are happening, will happen, and i want to happen.  i feel a little overwhelmed sometimes, which is why i think i need a hobby.

i had a surprise visit by my dear friend, Sarah yesterday.  Husband and daughter in tow (daughter Beckett is now taller than her mom!!!!  I met her when she was 1 and 1/2, sitting in my lap, grabbing my tongue ring), i got to share a whole lot of laughs and some great hugs.  thank you for that, S. 

time to pick up my girl Jonatha and go to work.  the heat index is up to 115 degrees.  momo’s got ice in his water bowl and the shades are down and the fan is on.  poor guy’s got a fur coat on!  here’s to one more day closer to the next one…