sure enough…

me and a bunch of cheery Fenway cops!, originally uploaded by chion.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf/sets/72157594301580889/show

Today, Jess and I went to the Big E! For the first time EVER in my LIFE!!!

My First Corn Dog with simultaneous “HEY LOOK WHO IT IS!”, originally uploaded by chion.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf/sets/72157594298208107/show

we had a BLAST. i was in a dry mood with lots of laughs ALL day long, rode on stupid, fun rides, and had my very first corn dog EVER in my LIFE. it was a BIG day at the Big E!

thanks, jess. love is a battlefield and i’m bringin’ out the artillirary.

a few other thoughts:

-my heart races when i hear the NBC Nightly News intro music.

-i’m doing research at who-does-what at a news station… an Assignment Editor sounds pretty badass… So does being a news photographer! i love the news. i know it’s a downer to some people, and to me sometimes too… But it’s so important. to educate yourself, to find answers that aren’t going to BE on the news… Ignorance IS bliss (or as Tori would say, “Bleese!”), but life isn’t flowers and rainbows, so arm yourself with information and make some damn choices. Then make some more.

-i heard somewhere that putting two spaces after a period (i.e. word. Word. as opposed to word. Word.) is WRONG. That there should only be one between them. i say Fuck That. Fuck. That.

Off to a book!

i’m something resembling a pendulum…

get me at work and i’m irritable.  an hour later, i Just Don’t Give A Fuck (which feels amazing).  outside having a cigarette, Pensive is the word.

Pensive.  generally.  not morose, not “down”, but Pensive.

Pensive has its own vibe.  it’s easy to slip into whenever i’m left alone for even time enough to go to the bathroom, zoning out on the corner of the doorframe, lost in What The Hell Am I Doing?

everything’s gotta change.

everything’s already changing, but more’s gotta change.  in the next six months, i’ve got to change a lot of things.  no more bitching and contemplating my job, i’ve GOT to get out of there.  it’ll be a risk no matter WHERE i go, so my mission is to get there.  Out of where i am.

relationships… after this one, which was 90% in my head being a long-distance relationship, i am tired.  i am sad.  i feel like even though i did the right thing, i’ll be mourning it, her, for a while yet.  tired of the “well, you could’ve fooled me” responses  to the news, tired of explaining the same truth i had a hard enough time explaning and figuring out in the first place.  of course i was happy.  there was and is a lot of love.  i’m tired, but living with my decision is what i signed up for in deciding in the first place.  owning it, what else can i do?

i’m going back and forth between supporting and being true to myself and my feelings, and feeling like The Bad Guy that i am.  i’m learning about exactly how many shades of gray there are.  there’s a fucking lot, in case you were wondering.

i’m unsettled.  felt that way for a while.  so i’ve got some changes on the way.

happy for tomorrow’s day off…

it’s the very first day of Autumn!  i woke up at 6am and looked outside- it’s been raining, dark and gloomy… a few brown leaves on the driveway of the house next door… open the sliding door and there’s an immediate bite in the air…

i’m looking at all my hoodies and there’s a particular kind of excitement i haven’t felt in a while…

it’s interesting because the colder the weather, the sadder i used to be.  which is not uncommon for people up here.  but for the last few years, it’s been fine- in fact, i don’t like the summer, never did.  so if i’m not gonna like the summer, i’d better find some seasons i DO like, hence autumn and winter.  Especially autumn. 

off to work on this rainy weekend…. here’s to hoodies!

my favorite red, originally uploaded by chion.

i finally found a wine store that sells my absolute favorite red wine. i’ve been looking for this sweet little bottle since about march, and i’ve finally found it. she’s keeping me company tonight.

it’s finally starting to get a little cold at night. cold enough that if you leave the windows open, you risk a cold morning. you risk waking up at 5am to intently close the windows, returning to your comforter, waiting for your body heat to overpower the cold, crisp air in your room… it’s what i’ve been waiting for for a long, long time. New England Autumn.

it’s official this Saturday…

slante.

Lauren and i broke up.

she had no choice, and didn’t see it coming. she didn’t do anything wrong, and loved fully and truly and was more in touch with herself and her feelings than i ever was.

i did the very best i could.

i so so so badly wanted to be in love with her, that i convinced myself and her that i was. i waited for the feeling to come, and it didn’t. i love her deeply, deeply, deeply, yes. it wasn’t enough. it was less than she deserved. i tried for something no one should try for. you cannot make yourself feel something you don’t. i wanted to. more than anything. i couldn’t.

so.

i am embarrassed and sad for not knowing sooner. though no time is a good time to come to that kind of conclusion… six months ago, 2 years from now, it’s hurtful no matter when.

of course i miss her.

i’m not going to talk about it further, because it’s sharply personal right now. also, i know she may read this, and i don’t know if talking about it would do more harm than good . but the above is the core of the event. and i wanted to acknowledge it.

thank you for everyone who has put their hand on my shoulders. and frankly, if sympathy could make any real difference, in case it does, i just send it to her whenever i feel it from someone else.

Today was a good day…

Woke up at an un-godly hour for a Sunday off of work… Drove to meet with Jess & Donna to go up to see Anna Marie.

About 2 years ago, Anna Marie was in a car accident that left her dead at the scene.  After an anethesiologist revived her to the point of not-dead, she was in ICU for months (with no health insurance), and has been recovering ever since.

compared to how she was, she is in amazing shape.  She speaks, she stands (with help), she understands the questions and statements floating around her.  This makes interactions with her emphasize the Sweet in BitterSweet..

The Bitter part, well, was easy to wrap my brain around today.  While there has been SO SO SO much progress, there are still some sad differences.  Instead of her previous witty, jovial voice, she now speaks like an old woman, one loud syllable at a time.  While watching a movie today, she came out of no where, shouting that she would “kill every fucking kid” and “i can’t take it anymore”.

While she screamed that she couldn’t take it anymore, i sympathized as much as an able-minded person could sympathize.  She spends most of her time on the couch, and has little motivation to do anything otherwise.  She is in denial that the accident happened, and understandably resents that her mother has to bathe her, dress her, feed her… She is aware.  And i’d be pretty pissed too.

So.  She has made progress beyond what doctors ever expected, and at the same time, has a lot of work in front of her.  The cool thing is, if she’s come this far in 2 years, she’ll be amazing 2 years from now, i think.

i wear my lip ring proudly.  before the accident, she was a piercer at one of my favorite piercing/tattoo places, and she pierced my lip a year before the accident.  damn good job, too. 

had dinner with Mom & Guy, mom’s best friend Mary Ellen, and Guy’s visiting mama, Myrtle.  Had a BLAST – Myrtle is so down to earth, i talked all about my girlfriend and my arrest for possession with no fear, as these things would normally ellicit long, painful pauses… She was a doll.  I’m so glad i got to chill with her.

now, time for an early bed time with my winter comforter wrapped in a micro-suede duvet cover!  yee!!!

slante…

, originally uploaded by chion.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf/sets/72157594277074155/show

it’s my BIRFDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yee!

at 11:22am, i rolled over, squeezed and kissed my girlfriend and announced that i have been BORNDED!!!

26 years ago right now, my mom’s exploded uterus (literally!) is being sewn up.

Thanks mom!  She’s still got the scars to prove it.

ALSO.  BIG thanks to my brother Paul, who had he not come early into this life, i would not be born.  Here’s the story, and then i’m off to have my first cup of coffee in weeks (DD, baby!):

Mom had Christopher by C-Section.  Then she had Michael by C-Section.  The doctors said, in a manner of speaking, Listen, lady, 2 C-Sections is not the coolest thing in the world to have done, and this last kid should be the end of it.  after this third C-Section, we’re gonna sew, staple, tie you up.  Makes sense.

For reasons i can’t remember, my mom is not close to her doctor and his hospital when she goes into labor.  The closest hospital is a CATHOLIC hospital, and of course, they don’t DO stitching up of tubes and such.

So.  Had paul not come early, mom would’ve been sewn shut, and i wouldn’t be here!
THANKS, Paul!

Alright, time for Dunkin Donuts with my best girl, and breakfast and then dinner (lasagna!) at mom & Guy’s!

Perfect. 

Deeppresso Coffee, originally uploaded by MShades.

I just HAD to share a treat for everybody… My oldest brother, Chris, has been living in Kyoto, Japa, for the last few millenia, and has been keeping track of the oddities of Japanese advertising, products, people… my favorite is the “Cabbage & Condoms” restaurant sign. It sounds that Japan appeals to on of my favorite sides of myself…

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mshades/sets/1832216/show/

Bookmark him. I’m serious:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mshades/

Thanks, Chris!