sure enough…

i’ve been uploading pictures faster than i can post ‘em here!!!  My camera is SMOKIN!!!

so hey, maybe add my flickr page as a bookmark.  i’m exhausting myself happily. 

www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf

and start your OWN!  they’ve got a free membership so you can upload a certain amount every month, OR, for like $25 a year, you get unlimited uploading.  AND, everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn’t you?  (this logic never fails, right?)  (right.)

>peace<

ok yeah, everything is good.  as good as can be.  which is really good.

i wonder, just as a sidenote, if after we broke up the first time, if i could have given myself some time and then resumed talking to her, how maybe it would have been easier.  instead of just silence, and complete isolation.

eh.  we’re where we are.  and i’m lucky, so no more stomping my feet and throwing private, quiet tantrums because i’m not getting ALL that i want right now.  that’s retarded.  i’ve got so much.

thanks again.

well alright.  so we talked, had the conversation i expected to have… i think part of feeling down was also feeling anxious about hearing the inevitable news.

the good news is, well, no more:

STAND BY

STAND BY

STAND BY

i’m free to go, i guess.  my jar is open (someone out there, PLEASE tell me you’ve read “The Secret Lives of Bees”), so they say.  it’s always been open, but, eh.

so okay, i’m turning a corner here.  i already feel more at peace.  sad, still, but the anxiety is gone.  i’ve got a good hold on reality.  she’s there.  i’m here.  no long-distance relationship.  no promises.

my fear looms though… what if i meet someone really great, and i won’t let them in because i’m even subconsciously waiting for her?  She won’t be back for at least two years.  I know stressing over what-if never, ever helps, but… i ask anyway.  what if she comes back and she sucks?  what if she blows me off all the time, and we can’t communicate?  or, what if she comes back and it’s exactly what i thought we’d have?  then why was i stressing for the last few years??

i guess the key is just not to stress about it.  just to relax.  like i have been, for the most part, before she came back.  and now, i know the truth.  i know how she feels, and i believe it.  she knows how i feel, and she believes it.  we still get to be in each other’s lives as much as we can/want.  that’s awesome.

i guess i’ll just process, process, process, with the ultimate goal of just shutting the fuck up, relaxing, enjoying all the great things i’ve got, and seeing what kind of good things i can make myself a part of.

just need a little more time.  thanks for listening.

i am feeling DOWN. Like, blues-song down. i think it’s a combination of exhaustion, PMS and sincere, valid emotions.

what a bitch of a combo.

i’m getting impatient with feeling in limbo. i need boundaries. i need surrender in some sort of way. gravity pulling down left or right or whichever degree things fall.

i am pessimistic about this.

i realized yesterday, though, how loved my friends make sure i feel. and my family, of course. all they have to do is scratch their head and i know they love me. i feel appreciated and wanted and valued by everyone i know. which is really cool. i also assume the best intentions from most people, and i think that while that works in everyone’s favor, they themselves do the real work.

eh. thought getting a full night’s sleep would help my mood, but i’m still teary and shaky and sad. and i know why. it’s one person. and me. and i know i’ll be better later. but now, just reminded that you can’t be in love like the movies, so i’ll just sing along:

“So you want to be in love like the movies
But in the movies they’re not in love at all
And with a twinkle in their eyes
They’re just saying their lines
So we can’t be in love like the movies

Now in the movies they make it look so perfect
And in the background they’re always playing the right song
And in the ending there’s always a resolution
But real life is more than just two hours long

So you want to be in love like the movies
But in the movies they’re not in love at all
And with a twinkle in their eyes
They’re just saying their lines
So we can’t be in love like the movies

Well you can freeze frame any moment from a movie
Or run the whole damn thing backwards from reel to reel
But I don’t see one single solitary light technician
Or one single camera in this moonlit field

I don’t want to be in love like the movies
Cause in the movies they’re not in love at all
With a twinkle in their eyes
They’re just saying their lines
So we can’t be in love like the movies.

And with a twinkle in their eyes
They’re just saying their lines
And so we can’t be in love like the movies.
Nooooooo
We can’t be in love like movies”

-The Avett Brothers

Newest Flickr Slideshow…

Newest Flickr Slideshow

it’s been a busy week.

internship = awesome. i am learning so so fast. and learning so so much. i can see myself as an engineer. i can see myself on air. i can see myself as someone that knows how to do everything. versatile. master of which, we shall see…

my mind has been thousands of miles away, otherwise. even in the studio. especially in my car. in my apartment. at work. especially everywhere, actually.

thinking of everything and nothing and considering a thousand ways things could go, i am slowly beginning to understand what the big picture looks like. i am trying to tame my imagination for once, to think about What’s Best. What is the Right Thing To Do. which is just so adorable of me to do since i have really very little say in the matter.

it’s like…

STAND BY

STAND BY

STAND BY

maybe write a song, since my muse is back. well, her ghost is a lot more warm and accessable, anyway.

we’ve known each other for seven years. for the last almost four years, she’s been under my skin and everywhere else, always in front of my mind, no matter what white lies i told myself to love someone else.

so.

i figure,

we’ll have another 7 years. and another 7 years after that. if we want them. so why bother stressing? i’ll be patient without waiting, or just plain waiting, until she moves back to apply all she’s learned, to shift that weight to the other foot and see how she balances.

maybe i would only be a ballast.

it’s tough. i’ve already proven to be a lousy psychic, but i know well enough by now that a lot can change very fast. and i know that some things never, ever change. i don’t know what to make of that at this point.

so. we’ll see. as always.

i still prefer it
this way.

Newest Flickr Slideshow

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf/sets/72157594489541681/show

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chionwolf/sets/72157594487832421/show