sure enough…

how COOL.

recently, a reporter that i respect HIGHLY asked for my advice and assistance on her biography at the university she teaches at. She went to Yale, has been all around the world doing reports, there’s even a picture of her and Fidel Castro. She asked for MY help. Floored.

AND my CANON EOS 30D will be in my HOT LITTLE HANDS either Friday or Saturday. I cannot WAIT!! I also got the vertical grip (hhhhhhhh….hhh-hhhhHOT) and REMOTE for it. i will practice on it every waking moment, so i can be prepared for the Dalai Lama visit on the 9th.

Which leads me to… I’m getting a REAL PRESS PASS!! The one i wear around my neck all the time is really just my magnetic key card to the WNPR/CPTV building. I took my own picture and printed out the WNPR logo and used packing tape to stick it all on (carefully). But for the Dalai Lama visit, i can’t risk NOT having some radio credential with me. Getting a press pass and announcing the weather were two big, funny goals of mine, and i’ve kicked both of their asses! I’ll be sure to get a picture of the pass as soon as it’s hot out of the laminating machine.

Today, my show idea for our daily call-in show finally materialized! A while ago, i really wanted to have a show about the transgendered community. Everybody throws a blanket over GLBT issues, but really, the trans community is often left out, forgotten or ignored socially, legally and educationally. I conceded to my news director and we forcused also on gay issues, and had a motivational speaker and actor, Peterson Toscano, on the show – amazing guy, talked about how he enrolled HIMSELF into ex-gay therapy for YEARS, and finally just accepted it and wrote a one-man play about it. Very cool. And we had a transgendered woman, JeriMarie Liesegang, on to talk about her experiences and some equal rights legislaton going on now… here’s the link to the show!

The whole staff was amped about this show, and everyone was just totally buzzing about it. Catie did the majority of the work of booking, thank god, because the process of putting a show together is beyond me for the most part – but i am really proud that it was my idea, and that it was so, so successful. The content was amazing, the interviews were thoughtful and funny and insightful, the questions were poignant and important… Thrilled.

So much good stuff going on. And i got my GLASSES! It’s literally AWESOME how clear far away things are in comparison to how they are without the glasses. It’s not that the difference is night and day or anything, but to see certain signs and words and objects SUPER clearly is really effing cool.

I’ve got the rest of the day off – gonna watch “Death of a President” this afternoon, and then go back into Hartford for an LMF fundraiser. Life is good.

Slante.

(p.s. Mom says “better to burn out than to rust out”.)

i wake up after days like that feeling like “fuck it anyway”.

i get ambivalent. a LOT. about this.

i have to say, i prefer the “fuck it” feeling better. fuck it. we’re all gonna die someday and no one gives a fuck and eventually the world will burn up by the heat of the sun and there will be no records of anything.

that’s surprisingly comforting when you feel like the person you love doesn’t love you back. like you’ve been falling for some elaborate lie, stoic in your patience.

you know?

it’s a new day. it will be 72 degrees today, i am only working till five, and i can do anything i want.

slante.

strategy makes ideas like gods laugh. cocky fuckers.

things happen in an instant
and over billions of years

which,
since we’re right,
is just an instant

i am a china shop
a small, old china shop
on a side street in Madrid
sweeping so much dust and all of this broken glass out the front door and
i can’t even hear the hoofprints anymore
all i can tell anyone is
it happened so fast
it happens so fast every time it happens.

didn’t know i could fit under one small thumb
but no matter what grand, furious monologues i rehearse in my head once i finally get horizontal
once i finally wear nothing under a comforter that comforts not at all…
…i don’t make a sound and i’m the size of a dime
and i feel the turning all over me
and i’m waiting for a response,
and i excite myself and jump at the sound
but it’s just the end-of-game baseball score sent to my phone.

it’s a cycle i cannot bring myself to break.
i’ve already had the guaranteed silence
i’ve already waited years
which was somehow easier than this.
it was my only other option
but it’s been done before and i don’t want to do it again unless it’s for good.

like the duct tape on my mouth is bright pink
with flashing neon lights begging begging begging

i am sympathizing exactly 100% with Alec Baldwin, it’s gotten that hard for me.

i keep saying, if i were 16 years old and stupid
meaning well, but stupid
then i could forgive myself later

i’m ten years later now and reminding myself to not repeat mistakes.

here’s the thing:
i’m torn between being the dalai lama or a new york diva
dealing with how to cope with feeling fucked with.

please hold
please hold
please hold

just keep holding on.

keeping my mouth shut when i could fill the grandest canyon
and still no promises or sweet proposals.

i think i’m on sale and still not rung up.

so little, so warm, under her thumb. mistreated and underappreciated and neglected and scared and wondering who it is i love so much anyway, would she ever be capable of loving me the way she wants to, how long do i hold my breath and keep how i feel to myself, and knowing every moment, i do it to myself.

i know i do it to myself. but having help doesn’t, somehow, help.

my friend, Mel, sent me this…

Pearl.

wow. where to start?

first of all… going down to PA for the funeral and helping out with packing up gramma & grampa’s house was overall, really good. Of course the circumstances really, really sucked. But for the most part, everybody was really civil about who-gets-what, and we all had a lot of time to spend together. i think it didn’t hit a lot of us until the actual funeral. gramma looked beautiful – you could still see the bruise on her face from when she fell… but according to Guy, who said she literally wasted away before his eyes before she finally passed, she looks so much better. i took a picture of her hands, holding a rosary made of crushed rose petals, given to her by my cousin Kelly.

Overall, it was a huge, huge gift to re-connect with the family. i spent most of my time with cousin Kelly – even as a little kid, i always did on our periodical visits – and got to have some good, long conversations with my cousins Ronnie, Alex, Julie, and my uncle Mike…

Which leads me to my next update, which will without a doubt serve as a HUGE shock to anyone reading this…. I have an uncle in the IRS, a cousin in the Secret Service, and a cousin in the FBI, Ronnie. We had a few long conversations about his job, and i have become SERIOUSLY intrigued and am planning on, down the line (once i have a longer period of time to report that i haven’t smoked weed), applying for the Special Surveillance Group for the FBI.

Yessir.

it makes perfect sense. most people don’t know this, but i am VERY nosy. i also am a pro at concealing just how nosy i am. and as MOST people know, i complusively take pictures, especially when people don’t know that i am. sometimes they don’t know until they see it on Flickr. I’m also super-patient. And a very good actor. As a salesperson, i know when and how to lie, and when and how to tell the absolute truth. And by lie, i don’t mean to give false information, but i know how to present myself and my beliefs and my knowledge to suit what i KNOW will please the customer, based on their statements and lifestyle. I can read people really well, i can look like i’m not listening, and i’m not even trained. Train me, and man, i know i’d be really great at this job.

My concern is my appearance. it’ll either work for me 100% or work against me 100%. It’ll work FOR me in that looking at me, i would never never never never never never think i worked for the FBI. Then again, i’m super-memorable in appearance. I’m hoping that since i don’t want to be a special agent, that just doing surveillance will require less generic-ness in how i look. we shall see.

also, i know and am loved by at least six people with top secret government security clearances, so i’ve got some BADass referrals. My FBI cousin is going to talk to his recruiter friend soon, so we’ll see what’s in front of us.

other news! i got my eyes checked this morning for the first time in probably six years, and it looks like (ha) i’m slightly near-sighted! i am officially the First Gladis to get glasses!!! I have to admit, i’m a little excited. When i was 16, i bought glasses as an accessory, and since the prescription is so slight, i can only wear them as needed. so this way, i can have my cool glasses and wear them for legitimate reasons. i always felt like i was lying when i had the ones when i was younger. sort of like how i felt like i was lying when i had my dread extentions in years and years ago. I like being authentic. there’s less to explain.

ALSO! this is really fucking cool news: on May 9th, i’m headed up to Smith College to listen to and photograph the Dalai Lama.

The fucking Dalai Lama.

I can’t even believe it, i’m going to be in the same ROOM as the Dalai Lama!!!

So i’ve been thinking about buying a real, fancy, professional camera, with zero professional photography skills. i barely understand what an F-stop is, or how to mess with it. i bring this up because i can’t see myself taking pictures of the Dalai Lama with my little Elph – i want that seriously big, heavy, beautiful camera that will allow me to get the shots i really want. especially in low-light. if he’s under a certain light, the elph will not come through for me at ALL, and my heart will be a little broken about it. Considering my affinity for my heart being happy and/or overjoyed, i’m thinkin’ about the big camera purchase and at least one good hands-on consultation with someone who knows how to use it.

for those photographers out there – i’m considering the Canon EOS 30D. Anyone have any opinions about this or other cameras? Paul? Chris? If i’m getting a fancy SLR, i’m not planning on, as they say, fucking around.

so that’s the updates for now. Awesome updates. Thank you to everyone who has lit a candle, lit incense, lifted a glass, and/or shown some love for Gramma and our family. It’s still a shock, but it’s also a gift to know what an amazing family she has blessed us with.

More to come, i’m sure of it.

(oh! and PLEASE go out and pick up the new Bright Eyes CD, “Cassadaga”. One of the best CD’s i’ve heard in a LONG time.)

Julia Steel Morrison – 15 August 1917 – 10 April 2007.

…Grabbed this picture from my brother, Chris…

I am off to NY with two bottles of Jameson to meet with my cousin Kelly, and to romp around the city with her and my Uncle before we head up to PA for gathering with the family and the funeral, which is on saturday…
basically, monday, Gramma fell and hit her head. There was bleeding in her brain and shifting all around, and she died very, very peacefully and surrounded by her family last night (the 10th) at 9pm. She was 89 years old. And i think probably a lot happier now. She’d been pretty miserable since her husband passed away a few years ago, and if things work out like the way most human beings believe things work out, then i’m sure she’s all smiles, leaning into her husband’s arms, with no pain at all.

Here’s to Gramma and Grampa who were loving links in the chain of this great, wonderful family.

slante.

Alanis humps.

BUSY!

yes, busy.

I remember less than a year ago, i was really really stressed about what i was doing with my life. Now, i still don’t know, BUT, i know i’m doing the right things.

Man, my free time is super-special to me now.

anyway, just wanted to say hi and touch base and i’m GOOD, and getting more INK tomorrow, and getting my voice on the radio more often, and trying to get enough sleep, even with little ghosts and strange dreams.

oh and i got my hair did. turned some lucky red dreads into some happy, dark chocolate dreads. Color, not taste. I checked.

peace!