i am ELATED.
First of all, i almost got my ass kicked because of taking pictures for the first time EVER. i feel like this is a growing pain but i only got a cramp. I was at the Hoop It Up 3-on-3 basketball tournament today, and i photographed ALL day long. had a blast. people loved that i was taking pictures of them while they were playing, stretching, goofing around, whatnot. But this one kid got hurt, some sort of cut on his eye – he was FINE – but an ambulance was there. i took some pictures of him sitting there and his friends (BIG FRIENDS) were like, “yo, she takin’ PICTURES!! WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?” i was about 20 feet away from the kid, completely staying out of everyone’s way. So as a response, i started taking pictures of the assholes yelling at me, and shouted, “It’s okay if i take pictures of you and not him!?! That’s not fair!”. (so many i-should’ve-said’s came later, but i digress) Thankfully a security guard walked over to me and just stood there facing them so i couldn’t get ambushed, or worse, my camera destroyed.
heathens.
this is the way i see it: a picture of a kid playing basketball is just as true as a kid getting hurt while playing basketball, which is just as true as a family portrait in a lighted studio, which is just as true as princess di’s limp body moments after the car accident. and you don’t have to look at ANY of it. But one is just as valid as the next and as long as you’re in public, frankly, you have no right to privacy. What i do with my shots is my decision. if someone gets hit by a car, you are DAMN right i’ll take a picture of it. i’ll keep those pictures private, and i’ll publish the picture of the shoe that flew off on impact. or not. it hasn’t happened yet. but you get my point. so screw those guys.
i will say that after chatting with Ross (which i’ll get to in a second), he made a good point that when people don’t know who you are when you photograph – who you’re with, where the pictures will end up, etc. – people are more likely to be upset with you when you photograph them. chances are that if i went up to the injured kid and said, “hey man, i’m just shooting for my own purpose, do you mind if i take a few pictures of your predicament?”, that’d be an all-around different story. and that’s probably how i should have handled it. (i’m learning, here!) regardless of making people happy though, the right-to-privacy thing stands true. i guess i’m learning how to be a more accessable, interactive photographer instead of the suburban war photographer i think i am.
anyway, i am ELATED because i just got home from dinner and meeting two photographers whose work i respect to a happy awe-some degree.
www.rosstaylor.net
www.f-stop16.com (John Galayda)
First of all, John is eye-numbingly attractive. I only vaguely knew what he looked like from one or two shots of him floating around, but not really. when he showed up, i was shocked. i made sure not to stare. He brought a friend of his, the lead sports writer from the Post, who i got a kick out of… I didn’t get to talk to John as much as i wanted, but i like him a lot so far, absolutely someone i’d like to get to know more.
And Ross is off the bat, so so kind and present and so crazy smart. I had a million questions and he was straightforward with me without being condescending. hard to explain. i feel really honored to have met him, and he even sat me down for a basic tutorial of how to use my camera OUT OF auto mode. the way he explains things makes perfect sense to me, he’s extremely patient, and i’m SO lucky that this guy whose work makes my eyes well up is sitting across from me showing me how to adjust the exposure of my camera. still dumb struck, really.
so i got to spend a few hours this evening surrounded by some guys whose art and hard work i respect so so much, knowing that i’ll see them again. AND FINALLY, i’ll be spending SOME time with people who are just as compulsive with photographing, and enjoy it just as much. It’s nice to not have to explain how this feels, it’s nice to be around a different breed of “my tribe”.
i feel so completely blessed. So many aspects of me are 100% private (i.e. only known and understood by Momo), but MORE aspects of me are understood/mirrored/accepted by my family and my friends, right down the stairs and continents away. years between conversations and daily updates in person. and now, with these guys, even if i see them rarely, i’ve got another aspect understood/mirrored/accepted. which means i’m keeping the right people around. which feels fucking amazing. and they’re keeping ME around. which also feels fucking amazing.
ALSO.
a couple years ago, a very intense, deep, loving friendship turned not-so-loving and ended without any kind of, i don’t know, CONVERSATION about it. we both just shut off and walked away after a pretty deep disagreement. while i understood why i shut off and walked away, why it made sense at the time, i was never never proud of how i handled it. our friendship made a lot of sense to me, and it was very nurturing until the end. how we ended didn’t make sense in terms of all the other ways it could have ended peacefully and with dignity and respect.
so i emailed her. i said i’m sorry. i said i wish i would have done things differently.
one particular insult that was meant to last just a second, turned out to have lasted years in her memory, and she told me that when she wrote back. Grateful for the apology, feeling the same way, and still hurting at the thought of me. Same pages.
Anyway, it was evident that we both regret how it ended, but understood that it had to. we both still love each other on that fundamental level that once you love someone, you kind of always do… I have no interest in having her in my life on a regular basis – as i wrote above, i feel so fulfilled and lucky for what i already have – but we’re both interested in catching up, in leaving that bridge wide open in case it ever needs crossing.
she lives in New York City. every time i would go to NYC in the years since the split, i would for a second hope i would run into her. we’d both probably freeze and then hug each other and then one of us would cry. Then the other one would cry, and then we’d laugh and i’d call one of us a girl.
anyway. we’re maybe going to catch up in person this summer, and i’d really like that, and that’s another thing that’s been going on recently that makes my heart sing.
oh and also that Ash and her well-intentioned heart has pissed me off so much that i don’t think of her when i go to bed every night anymore. that’s a years-in-waiting relief. nothing she does is ever intended to hurt anybody, and when i listen to how she feels and why she does what she does, it makes sense, and softens my heart. and that’s just great, but i don’t want to BE in a place where my heart needs softening. i don’t enjoy it hardening up in the first place. so no more of that. i hope she gets her shit together because i love her inexplicably, and i know what she’s capable of one way AND the other. And when she has her shit together she smiles more and i like seeing the insides of her cheeks against her teeth. It’s all about my pleasure, really. 
anyway. off to be elated some more and caption the pictures from today. SIX FLAGS tomorrow!!! With Smarty and Andrew (who i am also smitten with – all these wonderful men!) and possibly Bzz Nutz. Whee!
