sure enough…

i’m a big fan of Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton lately.

her stuff is SO SAD. and SO well done.

i’m not talking “‘Round Here” whiney sad. I’m talking “Boys For Pele” but with less anger. and slower on average. i shouldn’t compare… but anyway.

there’s a reason i’m drawn to listen to this kind of music. after exercising the family trait of stoicism for quite a while now (for also many good reasons), the scales have to balance at some point.

I don’t need to remind anybody who has been even sleepily paying moderate attention to my blog, i’ve been through a good amount of change lately. A relatively small and at the same time relatively huge growth spurt where i gathered some things up and held them close while opening wide to let go of a few things that hurt to hold onto.

so i think i’m gonna examine the cuts and bruises to see if they’re healing like they should. and Emily Haines seems to either clot the blood or let it bleed. neat trick, i appreciate it.

sleeping late tomorrow. with mo and the fan on high with the deadbolt locked living on the second floor fearing ladders.

i am pooped. the reason why is documented.

saturday morning i went to the Petit memorial. it was moving, and i couldn’t stop crying every time i walked into the lobby to see the simul-cast of the service inside (i wasn’t allowed in with the camera). I had to leave before it was over in order to get comfortably early to the next gig, and i found out later that Dr. Petit actually was there and spoke at the very end. i caught the video of it, and my heart keeps thinking that if it breaks over and over again, it might make the world spin backwards and magically prevent this disaster from having happened in the first place.

frankly, i can’t stop thinking about this man that lost his family and his home and life as he knows it. about this man who has to find a way to bear life knowing all the details he knows. all the sounds he heard that morning, all the things he saw. something about this disaster is special, is different than all the other horrors in the world that happen every day. whatever it is… it keeps me awake at night, thinking about how this expands my unwilling belief of what true, real evil can reside in a simple pair of human beings.

agh.

after the memorial, i took the long drive westwards to Washington, CT, which is nestled in beween a few long, winding, classic New England roads… the drive was beautiful after the rain cleared. i arrived to shoot for Tea For Two Hundred, and had an AMAZING time. Considering that pictures speak louder than words, check out my shots on flickr. i am so proud of a lot of those shots, and i was so honored to be a part of it.

Then i zoomed home, gave momo his butt meds, and made it to Niantic in time to catch the end of the WNPR beachfront cookout, and the beginning of the WNPR slumber party. i brought and helped quickly finish my favorite bottle of red (Esporao Cabernet), and had a blast with the girls (which include MEL who flew in from Chicago just to see us!).

Slept late, chilled with Mel & Smarty, took a quick nap, worked on filtering out some photos, then went to my friend Lauren’s going away party. Phew.

Ready for another long nap.

TONIGHT!!!!!!!

10pm!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAD MEN!!!!!!!

on AMC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WATCH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(thank you.)

i had SUCH a nice evening last night.

To celebrate the end of the Ashcapade and also to celebrate Jonatha doing astoundingly (not surprisingly) great in school, i went out with her and Phil to our favorite local fancypants restaurant, Barcelona.  The guy that seated us flirted with me unmistakably (which felt nice, you know), and we told him we were celebrating.  we ordered my favorite bottle of red (Esporao Cabernet) and one of Jonatha’s many favorite bottles of red (Duckhorn merlot), and then he brought over three glasses of champagne, on the house.  because we were celebrating. 

that sincerely made my night. 

then this other waiter who always is very friendly whenever we come in, stopped by to say hi and recommend a chicken dish for me.  i ALWAYS get the peppered steak, so i think he wanted me to expand my horizons.  As i say, “In the interest of doing things,” i tried the chicken.   It didn’t thrill me, so it’ll be the steak again next time, but i was happy to try something i hadn’t had before.  it’s a theme, i think.  anyway, it was nice that he remembered me and my steak obsession and cared enough to want me to try something he really liked too. 

anyway, it was a great night with great friends and lots of congratulations all around.  well, WELL deserved.

this. is the end. of a very stupid era.

i sent her a text a few days ago:

“Do you have time to talk tonight? I really don’t want to say goodbye to you in a voicemail.”

No response for days.

Today, i write,

“i’d like to call you tonight at 10pm my time. if you’re busy and would rather talk at a different time, let me know. I hope you pick up.”

10:05pm. I call. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring… voicemail.

I was suprised that i was surprised that she decided not to pick up after all.

Seven years. And nothing. Seven years. And i’m saying goodbye to Ashley in her voicemail.

As i said:

This. Is the end. Of a very stupid era.

no more of this.

i hung up and thanked every spirit and soul of every friend and family member both on and off this planet that contributed support and patience in any form or quantity during this stupid, insignificant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things relationship.

it’s no peace treaty, it’s no civil rights march, it’s no opening of a library or even picking a piece of trash off the sidewalk to throw away. this whole deal doesn’t mean much to the world in any past, present or future state. i know. but it’s a quarter of my life as i know it that she’s been on my mind. and all things being relative… it’s a big deal.

and i am so, so relieved.

fucking finally. thank you everybody, for putting up with all this stupidity. i’m learning to not repeat mistakes when i know i’m doing it. i’m getting better and better at it.

onwards. upwards.

thank you so much.

Thanks to Solomon for finding the link to this movie…

No End In Sight.

My brother Michael is in the Hartford Courant!!!!

MAD MEN airs TONIGHT!!! 10pm on AMC. Tune in!!! Swoon with adoration!!!

Plus there’s plenty of smoking, drinking and sexual harrassment to go around. It’ll be a GREAT show.

Congrats, Michael!

I’m officially part of the Wiki:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Ralphnadernpr.jpg

They asked for my permission, and poof! There he is. They said he was on NPR, when really it’s WNPR, but whatever. I am proud to be part of the Wiki.

One more thing about my last post…. All of this painful/easy stuff is coming at a GREAT time. My photography is taking off, i’m making new friends and still connecting with my old ones… I’ve never been healthier in every way. So when this all went down a few days ago, when the MySpace thing happened, it was, dare i say, serendipitous. It was like a cyst getting cut off by means of a falling helicopter blade.

i’m an analogy MACHINE, by the way. Machine. Is there a paid profession for that?

You know what else? I was planning on telling her that even though this is over, over, over, if something happens and she really needs me, i’ll be there.

why? She was never there for me. and frankly, she doesn’t need me now. How would she ever need me later? It’s not possible in any silly realm. I don’t know WHAT i was thinking.

Oh and i still haven’t heard back from her. no text. no email. certainly no call. what a scared little thing she is. i had no idea how deep it went.

enough.

I’ve woken up on my own accord (and Momo’s, headbutting my face repeatedly, lovingly) at 9am on a Sunday morning. Today is Anna Marie’s birthday celebration, and i’m SO excited and honored to be invited. lots of pictures. LOTS.

Thanks again.

so here’s the deal:

in January, Ash came back, and we saw each other and spoke for the first time in about three years. she cheated on her girlfriend with me, all was ignited again, all the feelings that had been put aside were put back under a spotlight. happily.

she went back to san francisco and broke up with her girlfriend. told me she was thinking of coming back to CT (which she’d been planning on anyway, just didn’t know when), which of course made my heart sing to think that all this pain and joy was not in vain. the idea of being together again had me even considering long-distance with her until she came back. i was hooked again. it felt natural.

months pass. i feel like i’m on-hold. she tells the mutual friends around me that she may come home in august. maybe. doesn’t tell me because she doesn’t want to promise anything she can’t produce. fair.

i find out that she started seeing someone, a female friend of her’s. she literally rolls her eyes when she comes back to CT a few months ago, saying “i GUESS i’m seeing her. but it’s just physical”. I tell her i’m worried that of the people (plural) that she’s sleeping with, one of ‘em might stick. and that’d be a tough bridge to cross, knowing that she has all these feelings for me. she fails to reassure me. okay.

later, she tells me that if she moves to CT, that she doesn’t want to do it with the intent to be in a relationship with me. while this contradicts her intent a few months ago, i respect that she wants the decision to be independent of anyone other than her. it hurts a little because i didn’t know where that desire went, but hey. i’m in no rush. i trust those feelings are in there, and i like that she’s thinking of her own needs first. i’m the same way.

i find out that she’s going on a trip to Honduras with the girl she’s seeing and another friend. this stings. going to honduras. with her. okay. when i talked to her the day before she left, she assured me that she didn’t even want to really spend that much time with the girl. she wanted alone time in south america, wanted to explore alone. i was reassured.

a few days ago, i checked out Ash’s myspace page, and her status had changed to “In a relationship”. i hadn’t spoken to her since that day before Honduras. Over a month, nothing. and this is how i find out. fucking MySpace.

part of the hurt is that she’s in a relationship while knowing that she has feelings for me. or does she?

what hurts the most is that she felt it reasonable and acceptable that i find out like THIS. like this. on myspace. it would be pages of analogies and wordy sentences to try to explain how deep a cut it is. i will restrain myself for the readers sake, and those that read this can imagine vividly, i’m sure, just how pointedly, dramatically, deeply, monumentally this hurts.

i wait a few days. thinking surely she can’t risk me seeing that relationship status and NOT call me to have a very serious talk. surely she won’t wait…

well, she’s waited. i texted her asking to talk today. no response. 6 hours later, i call – voicemail.

it makes me sick.

it really makes me sick.

it makes me sick that i wasted so much time. SO much time.

it makes me sick that my wonderful friends and family had to listen to my heart full of joy just to listen to it twist suddenly in disbelief. when they all saw it coming the whole time.

i must’ve seen something in her that just. doesn’t. exist.

you know how you can see the good in someone? the potential? the amazing strength?

maybe it just doesn’t exist in her. maybe i was thinking of someone else for the last seven years when i thought of her. maybe i just made her up. maybe i brainwashed myself into believing that she was who i wanted to be with.

when really. REALLY.

my most casual FRIEND wouldn’t leave me hanging like this, wouldn’t neglect my most basic, human feelings like this.

Ash is making it very, very easy to end this forever. it’s already done. i just want to have that last conversation. just seal it up and throw it out and move on towards all the light i’ve let into my life, bring myself closer to the people who love me and throw this very literal waste away. i’ve worked too hard. there are too many souls on this planet worthy of my attention and love and big news and hugs when they’re around. i don’t need this unintentionally toxic girl. i don’t need this scared little soul who doesn’t realize how good she’s got it. who thinks the odds are against her when the world just wants to lift her up. i don’t need neglect. i don’t need her saying how much she has to apologize when she never even ACTUALLY apologizes.

this is an easy choice. it hurts. but it’s easy.

i’m growing a lot besides. and now i’m growing her out. i’m done. seven years isn’t long when you hold it against 20 years or 50 years, and i don’t care if it’s just a fleeting moment, i’m ready to look back at these years and laugh because i was so silly to have faith in someone so unlike me being anything like me at all.

laughing starts now.

thank you everybody, for listening to my hopeful maybe’s and my blind faith. thank you for not being condescending when you knew what would eventually happen. thank you for being truthful with me without betraying her. thank you for your support this whole time. i’m done now, i hope i give you all much less work to do with the next one.

Slante.