sure enough…

1. i am seeing my brother Michael and my friend Lindsay tomorrow in NYC. This combination thrills me to no end. It’s also Michael’s birthday tomorrow! so i get to hug the birthday boy, giggle with my dirtiest-minded friend, and breathe in the slightly tainted yet totally adored New York City air.

2. my name got to the editors of the Bristol Observer (a weekly paper), and they want to meet me to discuss freelancing for them! So i’ve been busy putting together my first portfolio. It’s SO much fun! there’s one shot that is so funny that the good folks at Ritz Camera asked if they could make a copy of it for their wall. Such an honor.

If i get this freelance gig, it’ll be the first time i’m regularly paid for my work. I was paid once by GLAD for my photography at the CT Supreme Court, but it was a one-day fee. The concept of being regularly paid is a huge, HUGE deal to me. So huge that i’m going to get all my best friends together for a big celebratory dinner to rejoice in the glory of being paid to do what you love most. i really hope for this – it’s the step in the right direction.

3. My friend Michelle and i, after a long period of not talking, are getting on pretty well, but she’s pissing me off lately. She and i were supposed to fly to TX to meet our favorite author, Richard Bach, and to interview/photograph him. She wrote me an email saying that she wanted to bring her mother and grandmother, and she wishes i could come, but could i write down a few questions to ask him? i didn’t realize that if her mother/gramma were going, then i wasn’t going. i asked her to clairify, and she responds, “maybe you didn’t read the whole email…” Yes, i read the email. You told me your mother/gramma were going, but you didn’t say why i wasn’t. or that i wasn’t. eh.

i didn’t even respond. i’m learning to pick my battles. as much as i like her, i don’t like her THAT much.

with her, as warm and giving as she can be, she ultimately sees everything as revolving around her. and that’s fine. but i don’t see things that way. so i keep a comfortable distance. i’ve learned that lesson already. six billion people in the world, remember?

4. my birthday is coming up! i’d like a GPS system, especially since i may be driving around the state doing freelance photography! and some more Fuji water. So, so good. try it. it’s so soft.

5. the new season of the Sarah Silverman show is coming! I cannot wait. she makes my heart race.

6. I realized that Momo is so good at routines because i am.

7. I was considering getting a house/apartment with my dear friend (one of my brothers-from-another-mother) Brian, and his friend Pete in W. Hartford, but i’ve been sincerely torn about it. I love the idea of living in w. hart., and being social and living with others, but on the other hand…. if i get this gig with the bristol observer, i must stay here. it’s closer.

AND, really, i like peeing with the door open. i like that when i DO get up to pee with the door open, and i get back to the couch, the channel hasn’t changed. i like that i can walk around naked. i like that i can have pistachio shells all over my shirt and i can slouch even further down on the couch. i like that the tv is off in the morning when i get ready. i like that there’s silence when i want silence. i like that everything is exactly where i left it. i like that my food is eaten by me. i like that no one will walk in at the exact moment when i am picking my nose or farting.

i think i’d only give all this up if i were living with Paul when he moves to Brooklyn. No pressure, Paul.

Good things going on, lots of good health and good moods and endless opportunities in one little, tiny day.

Hope all’s well out there…

Slante.

today has been so much fun! especially for a day with zero plans as soon as i woke up… i checked my email where i’d gotten the daily list of plans of the WNPR reporters – Saw that Lucy was going to the Capitol to interivew CVH (CT Valley Hospital) workers try to confront the gov, asking for more funding and training after three of its crazy patients committed suicide. My mom used to be the director of human resources there, and she’s sympathetic to their cause.

So i called up Lucy, met her and went on over to shoot. I told them all that my mother sends her support and appreciation, as soon as her name was mentioned, they all just LIT right up. People effing love my mother. as they well should. She’s supremely wonderful.

Then i took myself for my favorite lunch at Cheng-du, scooted over to Green Man to hug Donna and say hi, and then off to get my oil changed, where i met a bunch of really cool Valvoline employees who were just down to have a good time at work. Tooks lots of pictures, and got a free car wash! Cool.

A few trips to the vet, CVS and Walgreens, then home to make some… modifications… to my car (flickr!), and now i’m getting ready to go to Mom & Guy’s for a big ol’ dinner and hugs.

Excellent day off.

Slante.

joanna just called me.  caught up for an hour.

i feel high with appreciation.  joanna and i went through a whole lot as well-meaning, well-loving teenagers, trying to love each other on such fluid terms as we figured out who we were going to become individually.  it took me a great, long time to get over her, and i’m so glad it’s come to a phone call at 11pm, where i spit out the sunflower seeds i was working on, and sat grinning, telling her all about what i’ve seen and done in the last year, and hearing about her adventures– seeing new sides of her while recognizing that, with both of us, some things just.  don’t.  change.  awesome.

thrilled.  off to bed.  day off tomorrow.  no plans = possibilities.

  here’s to old, old friends even at such a young age.

slante.

i’ve got not much to say…. it’s 11:23 at night. i’m sleeping late tomorrow, working at 1:30.

I had a little ranting session with Smarty this afternoon in between customers, lagging time in the back room.

i said something like, “i’ve resigned myself to being single forever. at this point, if i met somebody, it better just click right into place, be fucking perfect, because right now i feel like if someone came along, they’d just ruin a great thing. everything is so good right now, i am so satisfied with my life, my family, momo, my apartment, my direction… chances are someone new would just fuck it up.”

then i thought about ash, and said,

“i’m happy to admit when i’m wrong, so that’s not an issue – but i really thought i was correct on my judge of her character. even if she’s playing dead to do me a favor, man, i really thought i was right about her foundation, about the fundamental, complicated aspects of her personality, and the choices she’d make when my heart was a factor… well, i was wrong. i was so wrong, and that was a bitter pill to swallow.”

for sure. i’d never really thought of it until it came out of my mouth this afternoon.

i have to say, people, that life has been different shades of everything since the night i got her voicemail, and did a dance in my little apartment… my only assumption is that she’s “playing dead”, as i’ve done with someone else before (the doctor), to do me a favor. sparing me, if you will. playing the part of the worst-possible-scenario so i can surely reject her. she knew she wasn’t good enough the whole time. so did all of you. i didn’t. now i do. if the gift is from me or from her, i’ll take it.

i can’t even articulate how my life under the surface has changed. i feel soaringly free. i don’t think of her unless she’s brought up or unless i am motivated to write journal entries like this. it’s well-deserved. i waited 7 years to not think of her when i’m falling asleep, and let me tell you, her absence in my heart and mind is a welcome, WELCOME relief. i’ve waited too long. this feels much more right than any monologue i practiced, thrashing against my bed, frustrated at 4am.

these are little spastic expulsions to make sure the virus is gone… little twitches to fling the shit off. listening to Emily Haines, uninterested in Dr. Blind’s prescriptions, unless it’s for my own cabaret’s set.

(“if the dizzying highs don’t subside over-night, Dr. Blind, just prescribe the red ones”)

here’s to weights transferred to other planes, here’s to rented documentaries, here’s to new music that sucks you into another round, here’s to train rides to NYC, here’s to bridges remaining perfectly in tact, here’s to evolution and rest.

Emily effing Haines.

sings Neil Young’s “Expecting to Fly”

by the end i was very much literally hypnotized.

JUST as i published that last entry, i got a good, solid roll of thunder through my ears.

gets better and better….

it. is. PERFECT. outside. right now.

it’s 11:20 in the evening, and there’s wind enough to keep my windchimes going at a steady, sure pace… the windows are open and the air has enough of a bite to have me pull a hoodie on. it smells crisp, like fall. clean.

love it.

Last Comic Standing is on, and i LOVE this show. my work schedule is too erratic to ever consistently watch a show (or do anything consistently for that matter, unless it’s taking pictures or lovingly whamming Momo), so it’s nice to have just randomly caught it. Funny is good.

When i picture being in a relationship with someone, they’ve got this kick ass, smart sense of humor, whip-smart… Heaven. No more explaining jokes. You should never have to explain your jokes, dammit.

Laaaaaaazy day off.

slept a LOT of it away.

Going to dinner with my dad tonight, which i’m looking forward to. I remember when it used to be uncomfortable, felt forced… but now i really do enjoy spending time with him. It’s just so obvious that he’s changed a lot and that his emotions are sincere and intentions are good. He’s a good guy. and he doesn’t lecture me like he used to, which is also a bonus.

i’m developing an obsession with clementines. for someone who hates fruit, this is bizarre for me. but they’re so tasty! i’m currently freezing one to see what a frozen clementine acts/tastes like.

i think that’s all the excitement for now.

time to relieve my grogginess with a Flav-O-ice and a good book.

you know, i really love watching “To Catch a Predator”.

that aside, i’m home and stinky after going to a soggy Gathering of the Vibes! I met with John (my suitor who hooked himself at the end of my line and proceeded to not call for 2 weeks until he finally rang my bells to ask my opinion of a girl who i used to sing with in college who he just went on a date with. Good guy, a little dense somehow with a lot of wit), who was sent to photograph there all weekend. it was really nice to have someone there to shoot with, and i learned a lot watching him work. and managed to snag another great shot of that handsome fucker.

my foot is MUCH better, and i was able to walk nicely the whole time.

Still listening to Emily Haines. totally immersed (read: obsessed). if i ever met her i would be speechless and think of a million smart things i could have said about half an hour later. awesome.

if i’m single, at least i can have love affairs with music. totally pleased with that idea.

sleep, sleep, sleep. sleep tight, everyone.