sure enough…

Today is a doubly good day because it’s my girl Bellis’ birthday. One amazing woman i will be raising my Guinness to this evening…

xox

What a productive year this has been! My internship started jan 2, I re-started and completely finished the ashbrigade, decided to finally bite hard and believe in myself as a photographer and story teller, I realized as always how much there is to learn, AND that I finally have the confidence and the experience to understand that I am fully capable of learning so much. I’m turning into exactly what I always hoped I’d turn into. This year, i feel like I’m just beginning to click into Me.

And last night at my good friend’s Halloween costume party, I got kissed by a very, very beautiful straight girl that I’ve had a crush on for a relatively short amount of time. It was more playful than anything, but Little Red sure did make this Big Bad Wolf grin all night.

Time to watch the Boston Red Sox win the World Series with some of my best friends.

Al Gore Wins Nobel Peace Prize.

Well done, Al.

i had some horrible dreams last night. by horrible i mean, of a modern holocaust, but instead of it being mainly focused on Jews, it was mainly focused on Americans. of any background.

through most of the dream, i was in it. i was with the folks from the station, and one of my adult male friends broke down in tears, and i told him not to lose hope even when they have a gun to his head. he was not convinced. there was a really pretty woman who i got separated from and i panicked when i couldn’t find her. I remember thinking, “There’s so MANY of us, why can’t we just kick their ass?”

I realized that when you’re IN a situation where your life is a stake, it’s not like a documentary you’ve seen before, or a page in a history book where you know what happened in the end. Your hope for survival kind of fucks you over, because in THIS situation, there was to be no hope. You didn’t know that it’s worth it to run. You didn’t know that your loved ones will be murdered if you try to escape of if you don’t. So you stay and think you can talk your way out of it. Maybe say the right thing, look the right way, befriend the right person. But it doesn’t matter.

After waking up for a minute, grateful that i never can get back to the same dream once i wake up, what happens? I get right back to the same dream once i close my eyes again. amazing.

this time, though, i AM watching a documentary, about this modern massacre. The narrater is talking about a particular illegal immigrant from the west indies. he’s proud to be in America, and wants to stay. he’s noble about it, his body language, athough handcuffed by the imposing party, is strong, standing up straight, chin up.

Now it is a homemade videotape they’re using in the documentary. something they maybe found in some archives. The man from the West Indies is sitting down. His captors draw two X’s – one on each temple. He is calm.
They say to him “These X’s are where we will now shoot you”
Naturally, he begins to struggle – they let him try to get up while handcuffed.
as soon as he barely gets to his feet, they shoot him in the head as promised. One throws his gun at his face as his body twists, his eyes are wide, blood is all over the place, and his brains pour out the back of his head like intestines out of a suddenly gutted cow.

I wake up and think, “What the FUCK kind of dreams am i HAVING?!?!” i think about Neil Gaiman’s Sandman and think that’s funny, because i was just thinking about his character, Death, just yesterday.

i don’t so much appreciate this being the start of my day – but i admit i was long overdue for a good apocalyptic dream. Must be part of the package.

At some point in the next few months, the CT Supreme Court will pass down its decision on gay marriage in CT. I have been volunteering my photography for a local pro-gay marriage organization for the last year or so, and they asked me to be “on call” for when the ruling comes down, to shoot for them. I thought that the folks at my station would like to know that i’ll be sure to tell them as soon as i find out, that the ruling has come down.

so i got this email from one of the journalists…

—

from one colleague to another, I wanted to give you some friendly advice. take it with a grain of salt, and you should make your own decision. but….

I would not shoot photos for LMF and also shoot photos for us or any news organization. reason is that LMF is an advocacy organization on an issue and a story that we cover as journalists. It’s not about the money, since we don’t really pay you any, and I don’t know if LMF does either. but it’s more about the principle. despite our personal feelings, once we go down the path of being journalists we cannot do any work for any parties to a debate. we can’t be biased or even appear to be biased. My rule of thumb is that the appearance of a conflict of interest is just as bad as a conflict of interest. So I am just saying when you become a journalist, you have to shed your political associations. you can still be friends and maybe even hang out together and go to meetings for that matter. but you can’t do paid or volunteer work for an advocacy organization that is a party to a news story we cover. It could call your credibility into question, or the credibility of your news organization.

I’m sorry if this bears the tone of me taking you to task, I am just passing on the same advice that others gave me when I was starting out. I think you are an enormously talented photog who’s an asset to what we do, and any news organization would be lucky to have you. give me a call if you want to talk about it.

—

I see his point. At the same time, something’s not right. They don’t pay me. i’m still technically a volunteer! So i wrote to Ross for his advice, since he’s a photographer for a very prestigious newspaper and has been in the business long enough to know his shit. Here’s his thoughts:

—

this illustrates a very real problem that they are putting you in by not paying you.

most things are shades of gray, with some rulings of black and white. in my opinion there is really little conflict of interest because it seems you’re doing more volunteer work for npr – if they were paying you then things in general do change somewhat. now if they have policies of conflict of interest in their volunteer base then it’s their prerogative, and then ultimately your call whether or not you want to play ball with it

but my guess is that really this is all so new for them too that they’re just figuring it all out as they go so be patient with them but stern in forcing the issue of what your identity with them is. the longer this continues i am afraid it will only set more and more of a precedent for them to get free labor. the slip side is this is an excellent opportunity for you so it’s worth being patient for. gray area huh?

all of this being said, as a staff member things are different and conflicts of interest can come up at times. but that’s a different story than where you’re at. my adivce:

talk more with them, push the identity issue that you have with them, whether you’re just a volunteer or something more and if you’re something more than you should get compensation and opportunity within the organization.

—

I was relived to read that. at this point, i have done measurably, THOUSANDS of dollars worth of work (just photography work – not even considering the voice work/production work i’ve done) for the station. I’ve looked at it as a huge opportunity, which it always is, to learn my craft, get better, have amazing access, and to build a need for quality photography to illustrate a broader picture of whatever the story is that we’re telling. That need is there now, and they’re giving me more and more assignments, including a MASSIVE project of stock photography for each of the “desks” (business, health, education, environment, arts & culture).

It’s time they start paying me. it’s time i had business cards. it’s time i had an email address with them. Not only for the work i’ve done and will do, but to draw lines in terms of conflicts of interest and the true value of photographers everywhere. It’s always so tempting to work for nothing when you’re so, so grateful to have the opportunity to do it at all, but the VALUE of my work is also being undercut drastically. I appreciate the pats on the back and the kudos and compliments – they mean the world. at the same time, VALUE my work, support my work by giving me a staff position, an hourly wage, take out taxes, expect the work to be great and on-time. otherwise, i’m just answering phones, you know?

It’s a big adjustment to train myself to put my foot down and get paid for something i really would gladly do for free. But when they’re insinuating that i give up shooting for an organization that is very, very dear to me… it better be worth more than just the principle of conflict as a damn VOLUNTEER for both parties. I’m volunTEERING here, people.

Interesting, though, eh?

Enough for tonight. Thanks for the read.

what a DAY!

I’ve been up since 5. Met Solomon a little after 6am to go in the name of WNPR to see the world’s largest commercial airliner, the Airbus A380, land at Bradley.

OhmygoditwassoCOOL.

It was one thing to be a part of the celebration and see this thing land right near the headquarters of two of it’s biggest engineering partners. There were some proud, rich people in suits. There were some proud average workers. And there were people who parked on the sides of roads just to get a mediocre-angle of it from a distance. We had the honor of not only witnessing the landing, but getting a tour of the plane and HAPPENING to have the ship’s Chief Test Pilot be our private tour guide.

What really got right to the thick of my heart was that i was watching Solomon (who i claimed as my one-day Intern) experience one of the most important days of his life. This is a BIG deal to him, being an aviation FANATIC. He’s in school for airline safety and airport management, and i can realistically imagine him sleeping in pj’s that look like a pilot’s outfit. He wants to be a private pilot. His lights burn brightest when he’s talking or thinking or looking at anything aeronotics. And today he was the envy of all his classmates, and all the people staring at the plane while parked on the side of the road, and i was mostly honored to be a part of it with him. How cool.

After i uploaded my photos, i went to pick up one of Momo’s meds from the vet. as they rung me up ($99), i couldn’t help but just pause before i said okay, embarrassed at letting out my frustration about the cost of this medicine for just a second… The lady came back and handed me a bottle of it, THREE TIMES the normal size. She triplified (triplified?) what i’d paid for. She smiled at me. I was really touched.

so momo is on wet food now, completely. and he won’t stop LEAKING out his butt. Which is sucking a lot for both of us. we’re both frustrated with this, i think. and surgery is about $2500. And leaking is a possible side effect of the surgery. for fuck’s sake.

i bought some more Guinness and two small bottles of champagne. one to celebrate my good, fun work today at the A380 landing, and one to celebrate the next big adventure i click my way through.