sure enough…

this cute girl waited on me at Bertucci’s this afternoon.  that was nice! and i’ve decided to get a brand new, 2008 Nissan Versa.  I am pleased.  I will get it this week!  woo! 

i have discovered “dodge” and “burn” in photoshop. all of a sudden, my eyes feel reeeeeaally really open to some very subtle possibilities.   AND. I’m seeing how all these amazing photographers do it.  make it stand out just that bit more.  whoah.   

i had a really nice dinner with my dad tonight…

ever since Bambi passed away, and especially since being physically with that side of my family, i felt a need to let him know about all the good things i had on my mind about him, about how well our relationship has progressed, and how much i really appreciate him and the family he married all of us into.  That natural step of evaluating and prioritizing your life once someone who was in it for years and years just isn’t there anymore.  like i know how it’s done.

i think about death all the time.  i’ve thought about death all the time as long as i can remember.  not in a morbid way, not in an obsessive way… in a comparative way.  Every time i consider death, what it is, what it changes, what it doesn’t… it’s inevitable to consider its ballast, life.  

and if i can pull the camera lens back really, REALLY hard, i can appreciate all the chaos and the tempting, inconsistent patterns… and hold on for dear life that i do a really great job at having a fun time out here, and that i learn, evolve, as much as i can.  

part of that was having dinner with my dad tonight, easy and relaxed and honest and open and natural. and i must mention, wine and margaritas to boot.  :)

so it’s 7:17 and i’ve got about an hour to kill before picking my brother Michael up at the train station.  With this much spare time, i have no plans, no hunger for food, no errand calling for attention… where do i go?

WNPR.

it’s been over a year, and with zero pay, and the excitement i still feel when i round the corner into the newsroom is electric.  i still feel like at some point, someone’s going to figure me out, that i shouldn’t be here because i’m surrounded by people with the most amazing minds.  A deep sample cut into the crowd of some of the best thinkers in the state.  And i just strolled in one day and assumed i’d find a seat.

it’s still magical chairs for me in the news room – i volunteer that even interns trump me at the desk for a computer when the work they’re doing is more important to be completed.  Then they’ll offer the seat when they’re just killing time before the next thing…

I still can’t believe it.

They are paying me, though, to take photos at the Science Expo, and the Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me event in April!  And John and i got together today to talk about it some more.  I came up with a report full of stats, dollars, general financial/billing standards of the industry in not only photojournalism, but event photography and portrait photographers – two types i’ve been since i’ve started here.  of course i wouldn’t charge them that much, but that’ll give ‘em a good sense of how much my work is worth.

So now i’m here, uploading the new Ben Allison, normalizing and chopping him into 1 minute 30 bits of continuity goodness. Pick up his latest CD, “Little Things Run The World”.  He’s a CT native, which adds to the warm-heartedness.

This morning is better.

Even though it started off being lifted out of a dream by Momo’s vomiting all over my brand new $80 duvet cover, it’s still a better day than yesterday.  I’m taking some proactive steps towards making some changes.  I’ve got to sell a few items, look into a few jobs, get some teeth pulled, print some photos, get a fancy outfit for my Valentine’s date with Smarty (it’s become a sad, sad tradition of ours to have Valentines Day together – truth is, she’s a better date than most people i’ve dated)… Get some hugs from people i love.

That’s a big one on the list.So with this unexpected day off, i’m getting started on all that.  :) 

so the lens thing got resolved, so everybody knows!  It was nice that something so tense for me ended up being corrected, just like that.  turns out it was my 26-page fax (that i’m very proud of, thankyouverymuch) to the NY Attorney General’s office that scared the little buggers into giving me my money back.  I’m out about $50 in shipping back and forth, but it’s worth the lesson learned.  now, time to get the lens i wanted in the first place….

It’s been a rough week.  A raw week.  Bambi’s memorials (including one this saturday) have affected me deeply and well.  this is important.  going through this is making me a better person, seeing the world that much differently… i’m also sick with a nasty cold – but it’s the only one i’ve had since i quit smoking about a year and a half ago.  not bad odds!  And i’ve got my period.  

And Guy’s health is a little shaky, as he’s felt dizzy and nauseous since Saturday night and no doctors know why.  Yet.  We’re waiting for test results.  Mom is being chipper about it even though i know how scared she gets, because i do too.  a mean customer broke my camel-back, and i ended up crying in the bathroom at work. and i knew it was just stress.  i don’t think i’ve ever felt stress like this before, since for the most part, i really do let the stupid stuff fall off after a reasonable amount of time.  

i ended up leaving work in tears, and my assistant manager who let me go early gave me a call this evening, offering to work my shift tomorrow.  she suggested i take a day off, because i so obviously need to take one.  then i cried some more because she noticed and she cares.  

So i’m taking her offer, and will be off tomorrow.  Everything’s gonna be fine.  i’m glad for all i’ve got. 

Bambi passed away today…

she is my father’s mother-in-law.  my step-grandmother.  silly, those hyphens…. anyway.  

she and her husband, Papa, are the closest thing any of us kids have ever had to grandparents (other grandparents have always lived far away, and all except for guy’s mother have passed away).  I never had the deep, meaningful conversations with Bambi that i’d had with Papa, but her spirit really did fill any room she was in, and she always had a HUGE smile on her face and kissed you goodbye right on the cheek.  she and papa welcomed us into their family since day one – when i was maybe 13 years old.  

That whole family has welcomed us and made us feel like we’d been there the whole time.she had congestive heart failure, and was old.  we saw her on christmas – everyone knew it was her last christmas with us.  and that was hard to watch.  i’ve really come to love this family, these characters who all live within blocks, or at least a few miles of each other.  this tight-knit crew that, although very, very different than the morrison half, has so much to offer the world.when my dad called to tell me, i was at work, and had a feeling i should probably pick up.  as soon as the call ended, i thought of Papa.  i don’t know how long they’ve been married, but it’s been forever.  he still calls her his “bride”.  my heart breaks for him as though if it broke a little more, maybe he’d be in a little less pain.  silly thing to hope for.  i think about carol, my step-mother, her brother, Ed.  Everybody who have exponentially longer memories of her than i do.   Papa.  i cannot fathom.  he told me a few months ago when i asked how he was, “people just aren’t supposed to live this long…”i guess not.  

loving thoughts and white light for him and the rest of this sweet, sweet family…