sure enough…

The diet hasn’t been working.  I’ve been counting calories and fat grams like a crazy woman, running and lifting weights three times a week – not one pound shed.  Well there was one, but it was like when you weigh yourself at night and then again in the morning, and then again at night, and it all averages out to Overweight.

In passing, i mentioned it to a friend of mine, and he said that it’s ALL about the carbs, and to try Atkins – Basically meat, meat, meat, veggies, veggies, veggies.  For the first two weeks, keep the carb grams below 20. Now, just for fun, go pick out ANY food with a label on it that’s not a meat or veggie, and check out the carb grams.  Go ahead, i’ll wait.  

Crazy, huh?  I could eat 20g of carbs in under ten seconds, with pretty much every food i regularly eat!  So i started yesterday with the meat, meat, meat, veggies, veggies, veggies.  I went grocery shopping last night, and i have to say that this is a very expensive diet!!!  But if it works, it’d be worth it.  I do love a good steak but MAN, i’m gonna miss those smashed potatoes.  I have a feeling that my friends around me will be gaining a few pounds themselves once i give away all my carby foods.  eh!

Where We Live, WNPR’s daily news/talk show was honored with a national award by Public Radio News Directors Inc. (PRNDI) at the organization’s annual conference in Washington DC.  The PRNDI awards are the only national awards for public radio journalists – and one of the few national awards to feature categories for talk shows.

The first place award was given for a show produced in 2007 about the issue of gender identity.  The program brought together a performance artist, who told stories about his misguided attempt to “cure” himself of his homosexuality, and a transgendered woman, who told stories of her lifelong desire to change herself from a man into a woman.  The program was edgy and insightful, and presented to our audience the voices of people we often don’t hear – both of them dealing with the issue of personal change and acceptance. 

It also centered on pending legislation at the state capitol, providing stronger civil rights for gay and lesbian citizens, but excluding those in the transgendered community.  The discussion prompted powerful listener calls….including one from a state lawmaker, who learned of this legal loophole by listening to our show.  

This program, as with all of the episodes of Where We Live, was the result of the collaboration of supremely talented and curious journalists.  

Congratulations to the team that works so hard each day on Where We Live - it’s founding producers George Goodrich and Diane Orson, producer Melissa Blanksteen, senior producer Catie Talarski, all of our amazing interns, and the rest of the news staff which supports their efforts, and contributes to this success.  Special thanks to Chi*n W*lf, who sold this difficult show idea to me (it wasn’t easy) and made us all believe it could work.  Finally, thank you to Kim Grehn for allowing us to tell these stories.

These people all prove – and the award validates – that a commitment to open minded, thoughtful journalism is our organization’s greatest currency.  

jd

i’ve decided to lose 10 pounds in two months.  

i think this is totally reasonable, and achievable.  I’ve told a few people about this plan, and most of them are supportive, and SOME of them say, nicely, “you don’t need to lose weight!”.

Three years ago, i stopped fitting into my favorite pair of pants from when i was 18-21.  Fine, i thought.  I’m not a teenager anymore, i expect my metabolism to slow down, and gain a few pounds.  Fast-forward to Now, and i can’t fit in the pants i was in when i was surrendering to my metabolism changes.  Instead of waiting to not fit in the pants i’m wearing NOW, i figure i’d better get going and create some new habits.

I’m back from my first day back at the gym, and i feel great.  I think it’s funny that human beings AREN’T addicted to exercise.  After all, you have a built-in chemical Happy Factory just ejaculating all over the place in your brain, muscles, tendons, etc., after even a mild workout.  As a result, we have more energy, sleep is more effective, and you look better and better the more you do it.

I think we avoid the exercise addiction, because it’s EASIER to have a t.v. addiction, internet addiction, and best of all, food addiction.  It’s all easier.  You don’t have to change your shoes to watch SVU, you don’t have to shower after watching the news (although if it’s Fox news, you should probably at least wash your face afterwards), you don’t have to increase your laundry load to update your status on Facebook.  Easier.

I do like easy.  But easy is getting me a belly and newer, bigger clothes, and it isn’t easy to suck it in all day, so if i can keep up with my determination, things will GET easier.  That’s the idea, right?

Lately, i’ve had to own up to some blunders.  It’s not comfortable, but it’s a wake-up call to my ego that i’m not and never will be perfect.  Not that perfection is what i go for, but it’s important to me to be the kind of person i want to be, as often as possible.

Two things that have happened lately that i’ve had to apologize for:

There’s this girl at work, N.  She’s the type that’s dumb and smart at the same time.  We hear rain on our rooftop at work, from the back room where there are no windows.  She exclaims in disbelief, “THAT’S not rain”.  We make fun of her, to her face (i don’t know if there are points gained for making fun of someone to their face rather than behind their back, but it doesn’t matter anyway).  She’ll ask me if she should save some onions for me to use later, and upon hearing “yes please”, she proceeds to cut up ALL THREE ONIONS that are left in the bag.  Dumb.  She turns the label-maker on, and sees on the screen “SOLD OUT”, which is the last thing someone typed in to print out, and she says, “oh no, there’s no more tape left!”.  

Stupid things like that.  At the same time, she’s got the BEST personal skills of any of us in the store, and has a useful photographic memory, so she’s super-great with customer names and remembering what they’d needed previously.  Her energy is amazing, she’s always positive, and everybody loves her.  I view the stupid things she does as just part of the silly package.

Turns out that for the last few months, she thinks that i hate her and i don’t respect her.  She confessed to my boss IN TEARS that she checks to see who she’s working with on the schedule, and when she sees that she’s working with me, she wishes she didn’t have to work.  I was floored by that.  I’d been offering her compliments, thanking her for her work, pointing out what she’s done that i think is awesome – because i was aware that i was condescending to her at first, and didn’t want to be like that.  Turns out that all those compliments i was giving her were taken as talking down to her.  Which kinda broke my heart a little bit, but that probably didn’t compare to how SHE felt.

So after my manager told me what was up, i took her aside and said, “When you first started here, i made fun of you.  And i’m sorry for that.  What i’ve never told you is that over the last few months, i really have grown to appreciate you and respect you so much.  You’re great at your job, and i have a lot to learn from you.  I don’t want you to feel like i don’t respect you, because i do, and i look forward to working with you when we’re on the same schedule.”  I apologized again for my behavior and promised that my respect for her is sincere.  She hugged me twice, and i felt better.  

Later that day, i realized that every time she would talk to me to tell me a story about her life or a customer, often i would listen while continuing to stare at my computer screen, typing or reading.  I’d been doing this the whole time, of COURSE she wouldn’t think i care – i would barely even look at her!  So i’m catching my behaviors that contribute to that image she had of me, and i’m correcting it right away.  When she speaks to me, i want to give her the same attention that i give to Brian, G, Emily… everybody else, really.  It’s good to learn this.

My other thoughtless problem:  

I was supposed to photograph my friend’s wedding.  I offered to do it for free, as a gift.  It’s a small wedding at a house, not a huge budget.  When i booked my Amsterdam trip, i didn’t check my schedule to see if i’d had any previous commitments.  So i’ll be in Amsterdam on her wedding day.  It’s a complete fuck-up on my part, and i cannot BELIEVE that i did it.  i contacted Ross to see if he could do it, which he can… i just got off the phone with her before writing this entry, and she was totally understanding, but obviously totally let down.  When i told her Ross’ cost ($1250) for the day, she said she wouldn’t be able to pay that much.  She told me not to beat myself up over it, which was nice of her to say, but i do feel terrible, and wish there were something more i could do.

So it’s these things that happen that remind me that while i think i’m really becoming the person i want to become, i am going to totally fuck up sometimes.  What’s most important is how i deal with these situations, uncomfortable as they are.

OH and onemorething. i had this dream two nights ago that a really beautiful woman was lying down next to me, and we were reading something together, and then we were suddenly just about to kiss, and i felt so excited!  Other than sexually, i just felt my whole body lift up with excitement and surprise.  She was SO beautiful and i was so happy to be kissing her.

Then i woke up and realized that it was a dream, and i felt really… really lonely.  and i haven’t felt lonely in YEARS.  it’s a pretty entitled feeling, you know?  so feeling that way, like i was suddenly without what i felt i was entitled to, was a despicable way to start my day.  I was surprised at how pungent a feeling it is though, and how it can be very quickly and easily destructive.  There’s no use in that.  

It made me think of how long i’ve been single for. My last girlfriend, i met four times, and she lived in San Diego.  I was never in love with her.  Before her, was a girlfriend in San Francisco.  I was in love with her, and that was over in 2003.  I have never sustained a relationship of any durable quality with a woman any less than 100 miles away from me.  It rarely started that way, though.  And there were really nice things about long distance, but usually living in close proximity, you can be someone’s friend and lover (Christopher and Naoki excluded.  I don’t know how far apart you live, but obviously you make it work), and that friendship part is SUPER important to me.  It’s like the crunchy part of a raw onion.  Yeah, there’s more to it that that, but what’s an onion without the crunch?  SAUTEED.  

Point is, that dream got me thinking about how i think i’d be ready to meet someone now.  I’m really glad that for such a long time, when i didn’t want anything, there wasn’t much temptation anyway.  For the last year, maybe a little more.  Anyway, i do think it would be nice to meet someone who makes parts of my brain light up that were never lit up before.  you know how it is when you meet someone who you instantly admire?  that’s what i would appreciate feeling again.  

Off to bed.  I’m wordy lately.  Thanks for reading.  :)

You know what i think is cool?  I have friends all around the world.  And if you’re reading this, you probably do, too.  I can think of all the places that are on my immediate list of places to go, and i know there is someone i can stay with.  How cool!

In that case, i am happy to announce that i have finally done what i have been wanting to do for YEARS and YEARS and YEARS:  I have purchased a round-trip ticket to Amsterdam.  

You read that right (for Chris: “You read that correctly!”)!  I’m arriving in the Land of my Dreams and High Expectations (get it?  High?) on Tues., September 23rd, and leaving on Sunday, the 28th.  Michael’s roommate in L.A., Rosa, so generously offered part of her house over there for me to stay in!  I’m waiting for her OK before i invite anybody, but i wanted to first offer my brothers, Paul, Michael and Christopher, an invitation!  I don’t know if you guys have the time or the money, but if you DO, then i think this would be the MOST badass Gladii trip of all times, never to happen again unless one of us wins the lotto or a spot on a hit AMC….. show…… hm.

So let me know!  And i’ll send invites out to friends, even if there’s not enough room in the house, i’m sure there’s really affordable places to crash.  LET ME KNOW!  I’ve gotta get to Amsterdam before i die tragically young (which hopefully will have nothing to do with Amsterdam… But if so –  hey, how fitting, if i can get there first!).  I’ve always kind of expected to die tragically young, by the way.  Not morbidly, but just a little hyper-aware of feeling that i’d better do things now that i want to do, because you never know.  that’s always been a potent feeling, and i continue to feed it because it reaps such great rewards.  At the same time, i sure find a way to procrastinate eating better and vacuuming the carpet.  We’re all brainwashed by ourselves, which is a neat trick, i think.

Chris, i hope my -’s and my …’s aren’t SO incorrect.  I too read Eats Shoots & Leaves!  Complete with punctuation stickers!!!

Anyway, it’s the Fourth of July officially, and i’m excited about Amsterdam.  If you want in, write me a note somewhere i’ll see it!

oh boy!

i had a dream last night that i was in an elevator that went right to the top and then just DROPPED, like the cable snapped.  I floated up to the top of the box, feared surely for my life and then landed pretty hard as soon as it stopped.  I was totally unharmed, but really shaken up.  

It was neat to feel all floaty though.   :/