sure enough…

Happy New Year’s Eve!

This is my FAVORITE time of the year.  even better than my birthday.   I’ve always felt that the symbolism of our adorable human calendar year ending and beginning is refreshing.  It’s almost tangible.  A new four-digit number to mark the passage of fleeting time.  

I woke up this last day of the year (and day off!) to a snow storm.  Momo and i hunkered down, i walked down the street to pick up a pizza, came back, watched a DVD, cleaned the apartment, and now i’m getting ready to drive to NYC!  I’ll be going to Fil’s, then going down to Chelsea to have dinner at his favorite spot. Lasagna.  Then i’ll hop over to East Houston where all four of us kids (and then some) will ring in the new year together.  Stoned, drunk, and full of hope.

The streets are wet, the car took 60 seconds to clean off because it was all powder.  Here’s to a new year every moment.

eeeeef, i just got back from a reunion.

I went to an arts high school in addition to my regular high school during my sophomore year.  it was fun!  I met my best friend Phil there.  I took a lot of big steps there in terms of being out about my sexual orientation among a social group for the first time.  It was my experience of acceptance there that gave me the courage and determination to come out in my public high school later on. 

it was too much for me. 

for some reason, i felt extremely anxious before going to the reunion, not a body/mindset i’m used to feeling.  I got there, was sincerely happy to see some familiar faces, but i just wasn’t comfortable at all.  I left after about 25 minutes.  

Much like my high school reunion, i had a hard time keeping an interest in these strangers’ lives.  Sure, we all share a very unique past full of equally unique experiences at the same time and location, but beyond that, everyone’s just a ghost. 

i bet the afterlife (or, otherlifesomewhereelsebutnothere) is a lot like a reunion: after you squeeze your long-gone german shepherd, and stiffly as always, hug your beloved, crazy uncle who always forgot to take the lens cap off… Once the important ones are all greeted and such, it’s just an open bar and loud music and using your short-term memory to store where people moved to after high school, and what they do for a living now.  File > Empty Trash. I left quietly, as if i were just getting some fresh air.

now, time to feed the Beast of Mo, get to bed, then get to work.  :)  sweet dreams out there.

Chris & Mike are home!  Paul is on his way, quite literally.  I got to hang out with Mom & Guy and Chris & Mike tonight, it was really nice.  Now i’m home and about to go to bed.

I went to a party the other night where this girl i briefly dated a few years ago was as well.  It was nice to see her, too, and for a minute, i forgot why it didn’t work out the first time.  Still, our chemistry was strong from the moment we met years ago, and that night was no different, so it was a lot of fun to feel that sort of electricity again, even if it was just a passing surge.  :)

Bed, bed, bed.

Whoah!  it’s been a while.  Bellis, just saw your notes – i didn’t abandon the blog intentionally at least!  Intentions are intangible, so…. here i am!

Here’s some interesting internal updates, not for flickr or facebook or the world to see, just you guys:

-Jonatha predicts that i’m going through my “Saturn Return“.  Though i don’t entirely buy into astrology (what would the stars say when aimed at other planets?), and it might be purely coincidental, there IS something going on with me.  I’m looking at where i’ve come from, what i’m doing, where i want to go.  I don’t know if thinking specifically is a laughable exercise, or if it should be generic.  Either way, i am thinking HARD about my far-away future, my immediate future, and where i am now.  Questions are little tensions that stay put until i figure them out.  Thoughts from my past come up as little mile markers.  Thoughts of old romances surface only because no one has come around to distract me from my few points of reference to love and relationships.  On that note:

-I haven’t felt in love in five years, and even that was fleeting.  That sucks.  I meet TONS of people because of my retail and news/photography work.  It’s not for lack of mingling that i haven’t met someone special.  Everyone has issues, sure, but the ones who peak my interest end up having some awful, fatal character flaw that i ALWAYS see right off the bat, and hope doesn’t turn out true, but does.  My bar is high, as it should be, and i wonder if central Connecticut is any place for me to meet someone.  I am attracted to straight-acting women, so here, they all end up being (drum roll:) straight women.  As far as romance goes, it’s NOT a top priority in this lifetime for me.  At least not as far as i can see.  At the same time, i know i make a great partner, best friend, lover and confidante.   That’s gotta be used somehow, right?  There are times where i really miss it – even the feeling of missing someone is mostly a memory!  The woman is imaginary, but she’s in my head, someone warm who fits my body just right when i’m getting ready to fall asleep.  I haven’t kissed anyone in years.  I’m a good kisser.  What a waste.  

-A coworker at the station said, “You’ve gotta go to the party!  We need pictures!  …..and we want you to be there, too, of course…”  I’d feared that sentiment happening, and i knew it would come.  Where the interest in photos exists before the interest in me exists.  Which is a pretty big compliment that i’ll be glad to accept, but my heart did sink a  little.  If i were my friend, i’d want my photos too!  But if i showed up without a camera, i’d hope happiness at having me there would stay the same.  Weird.  

-This Obama thing makes me want to stay in America for a while.  I want to see what happens.  I want to be a part of what happens!  I want to photograph what happens.  In terms of this economic situation, i know it’s right to stay in my retail job, save boatloads of money (which i’m doing anyway), and bear down.  I’d love to make a giant leap and live off of freelance photo work and voiceover work as my living, but i don’t think that’s smart for right now.  What i’m cognizant of is, there will be a time to make that leap – will i know when that time is?  will i actually make the leap?  Or will it be something i always wished i’d done for the rest of my life, while i make a great living in retail?  Living in fear and comfort are so “not me”, but i know people who live their whole lives that way.  It is possible to stifle your own silly, fleeting, impermanent legend.

All said, something’s definitely going on with me.  I’ve stopped watching television completely (when Fil comes over, he turns it on, and then we promptly mute it to talk about the world), i’ve even stopped listening to the radio and music.  I’ve been listening a lot.  Listening to my car cruise=control down the highway, listening to phones ring and people mumble around at work. Listening to my refrigerator run and my computer hum.  It’s addictive.  I’m sure i’m not the first to think of this, but prayer is talking and meditation is listening.  I don’t believe prayer is useful – i think it’s pretty useless and selfish, and not selfish in a good way.  On THAT note:

-I’m an atheist who believes in souls.  The only reason i believe in souls is because i am one.  That’s all i’ve got on that.  I’ve been an atheist for a long time, but didn’t want to talk about it for many reasons.  Now, i’m proud of it, and really enjoy talking about it.  No matter if you agree with me or not, how great that we’re all thinkers, ponderers, eager and hungry to know what is going on?  That’s a pretty cool commonality between atheists and fundamentalists and everything in between. We all really care, and we all give it great thought, and hopefully, we all are opening to learning and discovering what makes most sense to us with all we’ve gathered about life so far.  Neat-o.

That’s all for now.  I’ve got the afternoon off, so i’ve washed my hair (not a small task), am about to finish a book, will do laundry, clean the apartment, watch “Love & Death” to complete my essential Woody Allen trilogy (no tv or radio, but Netflix on demand is PERFECTLY fine with me!  I’ve watched “Sleeper” and “Radio Days” to lead up to this). i’ve stumbled into this trilogy for what seems like no good reason other than it makes me feel good.  So does Mel Brooks, but i just completed a Mel Brooks trilogy a month or two ago – “Blazing Saddles”, “Young Frankenstein”, and “Spaceballs”.  Seriously, if you’re ever feeling “off”, you know what to watch.

Thanks for reading. i love you guys.