i had lunch with a friend of mine, J, and among other terrible things happening in her life (dad’s heart attack, gramma died, car won’t work, terrible 3-month long illness…), she told me about her relationship problems:
she’s been with her girlfriend, F, for five years.
J and F wanted to lose their virginity (in the heterosexual sense)
they picked a friend, G, to do the deed with them
the deed became regular
J and G start to fall in love
oops.
J is still in love with F.
now, J is in the terrible predicament of being in love with two people, when she’d planned on being in love with only one.
i suggested maybe they could all be together?
not so much.
F now despises G.
(i feel especially sorry for F, since the guy she lost her virginity to is now threatening her relationship with her girlfriend of five years)
listening to poor J, i remember that there is often times a price to pay with loving someone romantically. not that there’s always drama, not that there’s always angst, but being single for so long, it’s good to know that there is no perfect, guaranteed situation. we’re human. sometimes complications grow exponentially, when there’s emotions involved.
does J leave a five year relationship for this possibility?
does she stay with F and always wonder about what would have happened with G?
what can she do but keep them waiting, when there is no clear answer in her heart?
NOT fun. but obviously worth it.
Chris said,
April 28, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Damned if I know, but this is the kind of thing that pops up on Dan Savage’s podcast a lot, and he has a very interesting take on it – the myth of the exclusivity of love (i.e. it’s only possible to love one person at a time) has ruined more good relationships than he cares to count. The assumption is that falling in love with a second person somehow negates the love with the first, which just isn’t true. It’s a damn shame, but there you go.
Since there’s no middle ground, of course J has to decide which relationship offers what she really wants – novelty or stability – but F also has to let go of the assumption that a) G is “stealing” her girl and that b) just because J fell in love with G, it means that her love for F is somehow invalidated. Rather than just despising G (which really won’t do any good), she needs to focus on helping J figure out what she really wants.
Mind you, this is one cup of coffee talking. I may be totally off-base….